Anime News Letter Season 3:
ANL Neo

Season 3, Issue 1

Staff
Sephiroth/Seanma - Editor and Overlord
Lum/Enigma - Cute Anime/Anthro Chick
Purin/Bryoga - Pokemon Master and Reporter
Xellos - Webmaster
Skuld - Goddess Second Class and Reporter
HentaiGatomon - Resident Pervert/Cute Critter
Cyber Kitty - Censor and Sailor Moon Reject

Letter from the Editor
Dear Reader,
      We’re finally back! *huge dramatic fanfare* Of course, there are probably several readers who have no idea who we are. We are those who hunt elves.
Purin: Woohoo! Get the tank!
Gatomon: Right on! Elves!
...no, not really. As to who we are-
Xellos: Sore wa, himitsu desu! *winks and poses*
Sephy: *twitch*
Lum: Divine retribution! *fries Xellos with a lightning zap*
Sephy: Thank you.
We are the Anime News Letter! Dedicated to excellence in dental services since ‘84! Wait... Dedicated to excellence in Japanese anime reviews and battles! Without further adieu, we’ll introduce the staff (new and old) and get rolling.
Sincerely,
Sephiroth “Yes, I’ll find that damn Promised Land yet”

      Sephiroth is the leader of the staff. His prowess with sword and materia is second to none. He also has several large mecha. Sephy is also called Seanma for he is cursed with turning into a girl whenever cold water is splashed upon him.
      Lum follows Sephy wherever he goes. Unfortunately, he happened to trip, fall, grab her breasts and yell “now I can get married!” when he was skipping through dimensions. She also can turn into a furry named Enigma (hey... I mentioned an alternate dimension). After all, the anime and anthropomorphic people seem to go hand in hand.
      Purin seems to somehow be Sephiroth’s younger brother despite being a jigglypuff. He owns a scientific research center to study pokemon. Purin is also known as Bryoga because he gets lost a lot. He also turns into a pig when splashed with cold water. Did I mention that when he uses magic he turns into a pikachu (damn, Ruin Explorers was funny)?
      Xellos, besides being a monster/demon/general pain, runs the ANL web site with his eerie powers. Something about a penguin. That’s why Pen Pen lives in his freezer, I guess. His favorite one liner is “Sore wa himitsu desu” (Thaaat’s a secret) which he uses... a lot.
      Skuld works on Sephiroth’s mecha and improves, redesigns, and maintains them. Besides, having a cute goddess around could come in handy.
      HentaiGatomon is poorly abused digimon data that produced a cat resembling Gatomon from the series. This is a guy with a spike ring on his tail instead of that weird data thingy. He digivolves to Etchimon (which looks like Happosai care of Ranma 1/2) and then finally to NekoDaimon (imagine Daimon with kitty ears, a tail, and a giant bell collar... kawaii, ne!).
      Cyber Kitty works at censoring everything. He wants to suck up to DiC so that they’ll fire Artemis in the American version of Sailor Moon and hire him. He’s a red cat with a black crescent moon on his head (doesn’t that mean he’s from the Negamoon?)

Review: The Sorcerer Hunters (PG-13)
Written by Sephiroth
Sephy: ****   Purin: ****
      On the spooner continent, there are sorcerers who would exploit humanity, abusing and controling them. Fortunately, the Sorcerer Hunters have dedicated themselves to stopping this. We’re talking about a seal wizard with an alternative life style, a giant fighter with lots of spikes, a pervert who changes into a monster when hit with magic, and two ordinary sisters who transform into sorcerer hunting dominatrixes (and we thought Those Who Hunt Elves was odd!). The five hunters work for Big Momma and her organization to end the abuse of humanity. Did I mention that everyone is named after food?
      Sorcerer Hunters is a great comedy series for everyone who has a love of magic and those who thought Record of Lodoss War was too serious. For all those fans of romantic anime, it’s got that, too. Carrot (the pervert) gets into all sorts of romantic chaos as he tries to chase after every skirt he sees! Of course, Tira and Chocolate (the two sisters) have something all together different to say about his fickleness... For a few good laughs and some deeper philosophies of niceness, I’d suggest this one hands down.

Review: Iczelion (R)
Written by HentaiGatomon
Gato: ****   Sephy: **   Purin: ****
      Haven’t gotten your daily T&A or bizarre evil androids that fight in sub space? Ever wonder what would happen if four girls had to save the world with as little plot as possible? Iczelion fits all this and more. No, it isn’t exactly the Iczer series that we’ve all come to know and love. In fact, it has almost nothing to do with Iczer except for the battle armor. The before mentioned battle armor has a bizarre AI to boot! Did I forget to mention the nude transformation sequences? There’re more up skirts than you can shake a stick at, too (I tried). Apparently, there are evil androids turning planets into post apocalyptic playgrounds (mommy, the swings bit me...) and the Iczers are the only line of defense to stop them. Unfortunately, it’s only an hour long and they finally gave up making it after that. This is hentai without the sex and definitely NOT for children. The battle scenes and the carnage try in a lame attempt to cover up for the lack of plot, but fail in regards to that. Watch it only if you dare. Then again... it still beats Devil Man.

BATTLE SQUARE NEO
Sephy: For those of you unfamiliar with Final Fantasy VII or the old ANL, we have at least one battle per issue.
Xellos: *smirks evilly with Naga and Lina hanging over him* Today’s battle is between Jubei-chan and Kenshin, both the title characters of samurai anime comedy.
Sephy: ...unless you watched Samurai X. Kenshin wasn’t so hysterical when he was killing a bunch of people.
Purin: Where did those two come from?! *points at Lina and Naga*
Xellos: *puts a finger to his lip and winks* Sore wa himitsu desu!
Purin: THAT’S IT! PURIN BUSTER!!! *charges and blasts Xellos into the sky with an energy blast*
Sephy: I must’ve forgot to mention that we made him a buster like Megaman.
Xellos: Looks like Team Xellos’s blasting off agaiiiin!!! *star ping*
Skuld: Kenshin is the legendary Hitokiri Batousai that came out of the Meiji Revolution. His mystical fighting style is legendary. The sword Kenshin wields in the sakaba, a reversed katana that can not kill its opponent.
Kenshin: *strikes a fierce samurai pose*
Gatomon: Jubei-chan, however, is a resurrected samurai from ancient feudal Japan. She has plump bouncy bonbons!
Jubei: *walks in wearing her school girl outfit*
Koinosuke: Jiyu-dono!!! You must not forget the lovely eye-patch!
Jubei: Why do I have to fight him?
Kenshin: *surprised look* Oro?
Sephy: ...
Gatomon: Did you forget that they were both pacifists?
Purin: *laughs while pointing a finger at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *puchin* Come here. *grabs Purin and throws him*
Purin: Looks like Team Jiggly’s blasting off agaiiiin!!! *ping*
Sephy: HentaiGatomon! I choose you! *throws him into the arena*
Gato: *falls with a splat* What the fu-
Cyber Kitty: Dark Moon Ray! *blasts Gatomon with a beam of Dark Sugar Energy* That is your daily editing for today.
Sephy: Cyber Kitty, jump kick!
Cyber Kitty: Raticate! *jump kicks Jubei then Kenshin at lightning fast speeds and teleports away*
Jubei: *puts on the eye-patch and faces Kenshin*
Mr. Referee: Then it’s agreed! This is an official submission samurai battle. Swordsmen... duuuuuaaal!!!
Kenshin: *draws his sakaba and swings quickly*
Jubei: *dodges the blow with ease and brings her sword in an upward arc, catching Kenshin’s sleeve*
Lum: Darling, isn’t this a great battle -d’tcha?
Sephy: *sips tea while watching the samurai clash swords* Mm.
Kenshin: *draws back his sword and swings hard, hitting Jubei’s stomach, sending her flying into Sephiroth’s lap*
Sephy: Heh... a little friendly aren’t we?
Lum: *bears fangs* Darling!
Sephy: *sweat drop* It was an accident!
Lum: So is this -d’tcha! DIVINE RETRIBUTION!!! *zaps Sephy and Jubei-chan*
Koinosuke: Jiyu-dono!!!
Kenshin: Oro?
Lum: *glares at Kenshin* This is all your fault -d’tcha!
Kenshin: *BIG eyes* Oro??? *sweat drop*
Lum: *zaps Kenshin and flies away, taking Sephy with her*
Mr. Referee: Samurai duel ceased! The winner is... Lum!!!
Crowd: Rum, Rum, Rum! We love Rum!
Cyber Kitty: *scratches his head* Hm. How odd. That isn’t the right translation at all... *presses button*
Crowd: Lum, Lum, Lum! We give big many congratulations to Lum!
Cyber Kitty: Feh. Stupid Americans.

*New Fox Special! When Angels Attack, hosted by Gendo Ikari!*
Gendo: Angels have been typically portrayed as kind, magnificent beings that want to help humanity. Sometimes, though, things just turn out wrong. *hits a button on a remote* Our first clip shows Ramiel, an octohedran-like angel that attacked Tokyo-3.
Ramiel: BWA!!! *blasts a couple of buildings with a laser beam* Feel a full d8’s worth of wrath!!!
Gendo: *blinks* I didn’t realize that he could talk... Our next clip is of Kefka, that infamous angel from Final Fantasy III and VI (take your pick). *starts the clip*
Kefka: *turns his Beam of Justice on a town, frying it to a crisp* I’ll create a shrine to nothingness!!! Bwa, ha, ha... *scene changes to the final battle with Kefka changed into a monstrous dark angel* H-A-T-E!!! HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE!!!
Gendo: *shakes his head* Isn’t it sickening? The world is plagued by angels. At NERV, we try to stop that with our three EVA units. “NERV: God’s in his Heaven, We Try to Keep it that Way.” Our last clip is of the most destructive angel in existence... *starts the clip*
Sephiroth: *burns down Nibelheim while slaying the inhabitants* *scene changes to the end battle with Sephiroth as the one-winged angel fighting Cloud and his hooligans* *scene changes to the very end where Cloud and Sephy are fighting in the Life Stream and Sephy decapitates Cloud and displays the head on a pike*
Gendo: ...I somehow don’t remember it happening like that. *turns monitor off* If you, or someone you know is having trouble with Angels, please contact NERV at 1-800-EVA-HELP. Once again, the number is 1-800-EVA-HELP. Thank you, and remember: Angels may look helpful and friendly, but they’re savage beasts ready to kill you in a second’s notice.
Cyber Kitty: The number is something we made up, so please DON’T try it.

Closing: At Sephiroth’s ANL Headquarters (formally NERV... er... NERV future head quarters... 13 more years!)
Sephy: *points at main screen* Engage!
Cyber Kitty: Main security “lasers,” hit the boss. *beams narrowly miss Sephy, setting his hair on fire*
Sephy: Mmm... is that three types of cool I smell cooking? AHH!!! *puts out hair* Who did that?!
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu!
Pen Pen: Pen pen!!!
Sephy: Back to your closet!
Pen Pen: Pen pen... *sadly skulks off to his refrigerator*
Xellos: You know, he’s going to have issues in his early adulthood now.
Purin: Jig-jig-jig!!! *is very busy working at a computer* Must... keep... net... free... from WWW!!! Er, I mean Gospel! That stupid dog will dig up all my flower images!!!
Sephy: ... Xellos, keep him away from those damn Megaman games.
Xellos: Sorry, but I have to mysteriously disappear rather than be helpful. *poof*
Sephy: *twitch* I’ll hurt that boy someday.
Lum: Darling! You promised we’d go on a date -d’tcha!
Sephy: *whispers to Cyber Kitty* Don’t ever grab a girl and say now I can get married, got that?
HentaiGatomon: That actually works?! *runs off*
Cyber Kitty: Tsk. Look what you did.
Sephy: *coughs* Well, I hope all of you, our loyal readers loved the rebirth of the Anime News Letter in all of its randomness. Until next time, I’m your host, Sephiroth Jenova, and I’ll see you next time, or kiss your hometown good bye.
Cyber Kitty: Is it REALLY necessary to do those threats?
Sephy: Yes. Yes it is.

Ads/Websites
www.rightstuf.com
One of the best stores to buy anime and related goods.

www.anipike.com
The Anime Turnpike. Next stop! Lots of links to anime sites!

www.furcadia.com
Furry/Anthropomorphic community in a visual chat room (PC users only, I’m afraid)

If you would like to place an ad, please e-mail anlneo@yahoo.com with all the information you would like to provide.

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Contact the editor on AOL with the screen name tigeroberon for any comments/suggestions. Don’t worry. That Masamune is only for looks. Or so you hope.