Season 2, Special 4: Anime Newsletter Tactics
Animé Newsletter Tactics
Sephiroth was fleeing from Hokkaido to get away from the seven girls that loved him so.
Shampoo was his tea wench, and an excellent ramen chef, who was madly in love with him, most likely under the misconception that he was Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts.
Ami-chan is actually Sailor Mercury and it is rumored that they have been dating for close to a year.
Belldandy was an ex-coffee wench who Sephiroth killed after she took some of Seafoam Lab’s Evil Pills™, and then was mysteriously brought back to life after a rip in the space-time continuum.
Ukyo, another former coffee wench (who wasn’t dead), has come back to claim her fiancée, and is most likely under the same misconception that Shampoo is under.
Nuku Nuku, the All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl, was created by Kyusaku (aka Purin), and is apparently in love with Sephiroth.
Yuri, one of the Dirty Pair (aka “Lovely Angels”), fell in love with Sephy after training with him to learn the Hiryu Shoten Ha.
Botan is the Goddess of Death, and no one knows what her interest in Sephy is, not even Sephy.
Sephy’s loyal vassals, who are weird animals, are out to save him, whereas his arch nemesis Shade is out to kill him.
Sephiroth had arrived in Tokyo. His first task was to make tracks to his home in suburban Tokyo.
Quickly noting that no one was in the immediate area, he dodged down a narrow alley.
Not many people would assume that he’d be dumb enough to go to his house, so he thought that it would be the perfect escape.
Only Ami-chan, Shampoo, Ukyo, and Nuku Nuku lived in Tokyo, so he only had to avoid half of them, which would be easy in a city of several million.
Once he got to his home, he’d get in his tank, the Tiger Special, and be halfway to Europe before anyone was the wiser.
“Uncle Sephy, what’re you doing?” a voice called out from a shadow in the alley.
Sephiroth felt a sweat drop roll down his face as he turned to see his nephew, Ryu, standing there.
“Oh, Ryu, I’m so relieved. Have you seen your father? More importantly, has Nuku Nuku been around here?”
“No, Uncle Sephy. I haven’t seen Dad or Nuku Nuku since the three of you headed off for Hokkaido.”
“Ryu, if Nuku Nuku shows up, I want you to tell her that you never saw me, okay? If you father shows up, tell him I’m off to conquer France.”
“Heh, heh... Sure, Uncle Sephy,” Ryu said as a sweat drop glided down his head.
“That’s my favorite nephew! Here, have a katana,” Sephy said as he handed Ryu a fine looking katana blade.
Turning around, he dashed for his house.
Running past the gate, he stared at his house.
It was not unlike other houses in the area, with the same generic roof and structure of most houses in suburban Japan.
Realizing that waiting around would be the death of him, he dashed inside to safety.
More than slightly thirsty, he put on a kettle of tea, and went into his living room to read the newspaper.
Turning the page, he noticed Ami-chan sitting next to him on his green couch.
“Ami-chan! Uh... I can explain, it’s-” Sephiroth didn’t finish his sentence as Ami-chan pressed her lips against his.
“Ami-chan, can I ask you to explain yourself?!”
“You pervert...” Tears were in her eyes.
“How could you get engaged to all those cute girls like that?”
“Ami-chan... Listen, I never ever meant to get involved with those girls.
You know yourself that Ukyo and Shampoo are just a couple of confused schoolgirls.
As to Yuri, Botan, and Nuku Nuku, I can’t really say what is going on with them,” Sephy set the newspaper down and gave Ami-chan his full attention.
“What about Belldandy, you love her, don’t you?”
“She can bake a cake and mix it up with love, so what?
The only reason I made that stupid wish was because I thought that it was a joke played on me by my upperclassman, Joshu, or Moretsuto, or maybe even Ashira.
I was never in love with her, and besides, I don’t drink coffee.”
Sephy heard the teakettle whistle and walked over to his kitchen and poured himself and Ami-chan some tea.
After offering Ami-chan some tea, he sat back down on the couch.
“Hey, you owe me a date, you know.”
“Yes, I know.” Sephy sipped his tea.
“Ami-chan, I will gladly date with you, but first I must go to France and conquer it.
I am set to rendezvous with White Tiger in two days. Wait for me here, okay?”
“No!!!” Ami-chan grabbed Sephy’s arm. “I can’t let you leave, what if you get killed? I would never forgive you!”
Sephiroth finished his tea, set down the cup, and broke out of Ami-chan’s grip.
“I’m going now.” He left her alone, teary-eyed on the couch.
Once he reached his Tiger Special, he would then make tracks across Japan to reach Korea, then move through China, past Siberia, and into Germany.
Gatomon rushed into the room with Cyber Kitty, Kamui the Cabbit, Purin, and Sentret behind him. “Where did Sephy go?!”
Ami-chan wiped the tears out of her eyes and addressed Gatomon. “He said he was going to conquer France.”
Kamui twitched and the furry vassals of Sephy all felt sweat drops slide down their faces. “No way,” Kamui commented.
After a month of travel, Sephiroth entered Germany.
Locke and his assault group, the West Tiger Division, would join with Sephy and together they would march on France.
Sephiroth was currently at the bargaining table with a merchant over the latest in tank warfare. Locke (rather White Tiger) was not very in tune with the idea.
“I see no need for my units to use tank warfare.
If you want to go cruising around in your crappy Tiger Special, that’s fine, but the West Tigers have no need for technological frivolities.
As to what we need for machinery, our magitek armor fits our needs.
Even then, out of our fifty troops, we only have five magitek knights, not counting my Fafnir armor,” White Tiger let his tail snap with that last remark.
He was not pleased. He let himself, clothed in his black clothes and trench coat (not unlike Sephiroth’s), fall back in his chair.
“Is there no way I can persuade you? Those French, although not a serious threat, could prove to be a problem.
The IAF (Imperial Air Force) is still in Japan, so I don’t have access to that.” Sephiroth sighed.
Without his air squadron, the IAF, the battle with the French could drag out for longer than desired.
White Tiger took out his sword, the Ragnarok, and cut the table in half.
“No, my wind squad will be more than capable to fall the leaders of France.”
“Do you seriously think that five ninja could possibly take down all the top leaders?”
“No, but I have my ten paladins to take down the rest.”
“Great. Just great. You mean your paladins that favor chocobo over horses?
That leaves your ten wizards, five summoners, ten knights, and five priests to back us up in actual combat situations.
Not including you in your magitek armor and my Tiger Special.”
“Then are we in agreement?”
Sephiroth looked White Tiger straight in the eye.
They had been friends since before they remembered and Sephy knew that White Tiger would never agree.
“I guess I have no choice. Galuf,” Sephy turned to the merchant “I’m sorry, but we’ll have to cancel that order.
We just need the fire and cure materia.”
Galuf rubbed his hands together. “Ah... yes, the materia.” Galuf cleared his throat.
“You know, materia is very expensive nowadays. I can’t sell to you for less than ¥5,000,000...”
Sephy and White Tiger both drew their blades.
The merchant, who was used to cheating ruin explorers, such as Irie and Fam, was not used to customers who were also devout scholars of magic relics.
He knew that he would loose his life if he didn’t lower the price. “But maybe I can sell it to you for ¥5,000?”
“That price...” White Tiger glared at Galuf.
“I feel that we can agree to that.”
Sephiroth handed him a bag of yen, and Galuf quickly rushed out to get the supplies.
“Seph, we could’ve had it lowered to ¥500.
You aren’t used to dealing with these Europeans yet, are you?”
“I deal with Asuka all the time, so shut up.”
Sephy relaxed in his chair and started to fall asleep, before he suddenly snapped awake. “Oh... no...”
“What’s that?”
“Hey, isn’t Asuka from Germany? What if she’s decided to come back here?”
White Tiger smiled, showing all of his sharp teeth.
“Since Queen Margarita’s been destroyed, I had something special built... Tora Maho Voltron!!!”
“You built a Voltron mecha... with tigers?”
“Yes! Plus, there’s an added feature to each individual tiger.
The red tiger, which will be piloted by Gatomon, has the ability of fire and the Happo Fire BurstX attack.
The gold tiger, mine, has the ability to attack through the earth with the Magnitude 9.0 attack.
As for Skuld, she gets the silver tiger, armed with huge shurinkins.
Yours is the black and green tiger armed with the Maho Tora Missiles!
One blast from those will annihilate any enemy, and disable most enemy mecha.”
“Shouldn’t there be one more? One of the water element?
You seemed to have accounted for every element but that one.”
“Well, there’s the problem.
Unfortunately, I had some witch named Lina and this mecha mechanic named B-ko build it, and there’s an obvious problem.”
“How bad could it be?”
“Funny you should say that... the fifth pilot of the blue tiger, the one with aquatic ability and the Tsunami attack, has to be in love with you.
Uh... there’s also one more condition...”
Sephiroth’s face grew red.
If he had known that White Tiger had commissioned such a mecha from a filthy sorceress, he would have hurt his demi-human friend.
“Just tell me...”
“W-well, you have to do something with that person to make them able to operate it...”
Before White Tiger knew it, Sephiroth had Masamune’s tip straight at his throat.
If he breathed, his throat would have been torn to ribbons.
Sephiroth moved the blade away enough to allow him to speak.
“You simply have to kiss her, that’s all!”
Kamui, Gatomon, Sentret, and Cyber Kitty all rushed into the chamber.
“As your loyal vassal, I have found you, my liege!” Sentret bowed before his leader.
He was very proud of himself. Skuld entered in the room and a figure in a blue priest robe followed her.
“Skuld, we’re going to war, this isn’t some kids’ game, why are you here?” White Tiger looked insulted.
He despised fighting along side women.
As a holy knight, it was his sworn duty to defend all fair ladies, and it got on his nerves when he suddenly had to rush around in battle to help ones that couldn’t fight.
He had no faith in Skuld’s skill as a warrior.
Otherwise, he trusted her behind a mecha, but not in true battle. Without a fifth pilot, it wouldn’t be logical to fight with the Voltron Maho Tora, even as individual units.
“I can fight too!” Skuld pouted.
“Sire, in addition to Kamui as a spaceship and Cyber Kitty’s Gundam Kitty Zero-1, I have a mecha now.
I will lead as many campaigns against those foul wanna-be Frenchies as you want!”
“Sentret, you have a fine fighting spirit, but we’re fighting the actual French, not Quebec.”
“Oh.”
“So... you have a mecha?”
“The Mashima Heavy Industries Armored Octopus! Hoppip and Purin thought that I should use it.
It is now armed with bolt beam and ice materia. Get it, armed?” Sentret fell over laughing.
“...” Sephy felt a sweat drop glide down his face.
“Your mecha is fully aquatic, so you will lead the naval forces.
I remember Purin telling me all about your mecha, so you’ll be the best with that.
To the north is an installation with Fujikuro’s wolf pack, head there.
Kamui and Cyber Kitty will simultaneously attack Northern France with you.
Meanwhile, White Tiger’s Iga Wind Squad, backed by his other units, will launch an attack on Paris.
The rest of us will try out these new Maho Tora mechas. Even if we don’t have a fifth pilot.
Be careful, we are concerned that Asuka is in the area, and that goes triply so for you Gatomon.
I don’t think that Asuka will ever forgive you for sneaking into her room and... touching her... So, avoid her.”
All of the staff saluted and left to make preparations. Sephiroth was left alone with the priest-like figure.
“Excuse me, but who are you?” Sephiroth was puzzled.
He had his hand on a fire materia in his pocket. One phrase and the possible threat would be ashes.
Lowering the hood, she revealed herself as Ami-chan. “Sephy... I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. Please let me fight with you.”
Sephy blinked. A few thoughts fluttered through his head. Suddenly, he froze. Would it be worth it?
Kamui was quite upset. He was currently hovering over the ground monitoring EVA-02 moving towards White Tiger’s forces.
He had sent a message to Kitty Zero-1, but no reply had come yet. Suddenly, a black EVA unit emerged from seemingly nowhere and smashed the butt of a spear into 02’s head.
Kamui was surprised. He had heard of a black EVA unit, but he also heard that it was destroyed. Suddenly, a purple aura surrounded the EVA and blasted Asuka’s EVA into a mountainside.
The mysterious EVA disappeared into thin air. The Silver Tiger piloted by Skuld suddenly raced towards the downed EVA and surveyed the situation.
Kamui, the Shadow Cabbit Ship lowered itself to the ground and transformed into his black cabbit form.
“Kamui! What exactly happened? EVA 02’s completely disarmed. What went on here?” Skuld finished questioning Kamui through the intercom, and exited her tiger.
A few minutes later, she had rescued Asuka. “Asuka, what happened?”
“I was attacked by some stupid SEELE EVA, I know it...”
“Asuka, it stands to reason that it was the black EVA that was destroyed.”
“No way! Botan explained that the hole was only human sized! An EVA couldn’t fit through there!” Asuka starred down the poor cabbit.
“..anyway, that was a completely different EVA.”
“That was a magical attack, most definitely. Are all EVAs equipped with magical systems?”
“No! Stupid! EVAs DON’T use magic!
I don’t care what you or Sephiroth or that stupid tiger freak says, EVAS DON’T USE MAGIC!!!”
“If you say so...” Kamui transformed back into his starship form and flew off.
Kitty Zero-1, Sentret, and Kamui quickly departed for the sea base.
White Tiger and Sephiroth were surprised to hear about the mystery EVA, but didn’t show much concern for it.
At the sea base, they acquired several submarine units and made for France. At the coast of France, a battle ensued.
Quatre, supporting the French, attacked Cyber Kitty with his private army. Sentret found many troops lined up at the coast.
Kamui, however, seized the opportunity and crossed the sea to blast the Hell out of Parliament in Great Britain. Kamui’s mission was a success.
“Octo-canon... fire!!!” Sentret commanded his Armored Octopus to fire upon several dragoons firing rifles at him.
They fell quickly after the fire beam struck them. “Octo-slash!” The mecha spun around with its arms slashing through several knights that were attempting to hack at the Armored Octopus.
Pivoting his mecha, Sentret had discovered that all of his assailants now lay fallen.
He felt that this would’ve been easier if submarines could actually get on land, but the thought had never occurred to White Tiger as to how the submarines would aid in the siege.
Suddenly, Genma Saotome walked up to Sentret.
“Curse those evil octopi...”
Sentret turned the Armored Octopus around and faced Genma. “Oh, hello Genma!”
Cyber Kitty pivoted his gundam around with its arms stretched out, slashing through the mecha coming up on his flank.
Sandrock fired a shot at him. “Heavenly Kitty Smiting!!!” Kitty Zero-1 shot energy waves into the sky that rippled through clouds and sent down fiery death at Sandrock.
The enemy gundam dealt very well with the assault and took another pot shot at its rival.
Cyber Kitty had enough of this, and showed it by opening a chest compartment, revealing several hundred thousand mini-missiles.
“Ultimate Mini-missile Attack!” All the missiles launched at once and simultaneously detonated on Sandrock. Kicking the scrapped gundam out of his way, Kitty Zero-1 started on its march to Paris.
Sentret and Kamui soon followed. Genma, however, went to the local House of Pancakes. Mmm... delicious!
“Maho Tora Missile!” A large missile shot from the Green Tiger shattering the Valkerie that opposed it.
“Hey, as long as Macross doesn’t show up, we’ll be set,” Sephy said to the other tigers via the radio.
“Happo Fire BurstX!” The Red Tiger shot a very large bomb from its mouth toasting another valkerie.
Large shurinkins flew above the Red Tiger just as a valkerie was about to crush it. “Thanks Skuld, I knew you had room in your heart for such a gentleman as myself...”
“Ha! I only did that because these tigers are precious. If it was just you, I would’ve let them rip you apart.”
“Sephiroth, maybe you’d actually consider giving a kiss to some girl so that we could try out the Blue Tiger...” White Tiger suggested.
“...you’ll be a lot more like these mecha, besides your name, if you suggest that again.” Sephy surveyed the land.
Not a mecha was in sight! Only Nuku Nuku was on the field besides the four Maho Tigers! “...Nuku Nuku?!”
“Yes, Sephy, my love?”
“...good bye...” Sephiroth initiated the teleport and vanished. The other tigers followed.
In a secret base within the Pyranees, Sephy was back to planning. Cyber Kitty rushed into the room.
He looked panicked. “Sephy! There’s a black EVA unit attacking everything! He disabled my gundam, Sentret’s mecha, and even Kamui! We have no way to stop him!”
The White Tiger looked at Sephiroth, got up from the tatami mat, picked his tea up, and left.
Cyber Kitty was bopped on the head by the demi-human’s tail and also left. Ami-chan and Sephy were left alone again.
“Listen, Ami-chan...”
“Yes?”
“I have something I want to tell you...” Sephiroth gulped. He knew that this would be the hardest thing in his life to do.
He had done theater, and he had learned everything from lying successfully, to pretending to be someone else, to how to sneakily walk around the stage.
He had to put all of those useful skills into practice or else he would lose his composure. He whispered, “I love you.”
“Sephy, you have to speak up, I can hardly hear you.”
“I love you, Ami-chan. I always have. I want to become married to you some day and raise a family with you.” Sephy gulped.
There was no other way. He needed the Blue Tiger, and he needed it fast.
Ami-chan flung her arms around Sephy. “Oh Sephy! I knew you truly loved me!” Ami-chan giggled and kissed Sephiroth.
Sephy knew that wasn’t enough, and pushed Ami-chan down onto the mat and kissed her long and deeply.
The mysterious black EVA unit was tearing up everything in sight.
Suddenly, the five Maho Tora units raced onto the battle scene.
“Get ready for the eternal wrath of Hell on Earth!” White Tiger made the Gold Tiger stand up on its back two legs.
“Magnitude 9.0!” The Gold Tiger slammed its front paws into the Earth, creating a huge earthquake that knocked the rest of the mechas and several large trees down to the ground.
“White Tiger, you jack ass! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” Sephiroth was not impressed.
Suddenly, a familiar voice came over the loud speaker.
“So, Sephiroth, we meet again.” The voice belonged to Archmage Shade.
“This time, however, you may find that I am more than your match.”
“Fess up, Shade,” Sephy yelled. “Where did you get the EVA?”
“You’d be surprised what you can get for several billion yen, bwa, ha, ha!!!”
“Right... Tigers... form Maho Tora Voltron!” The tigers rushed into formation on Sephiroth’s command.
“I’ll form the leg!” White Tiger commanded his tiger to form the left leg.
“I’ll form the other leg!” Gatomon commanded his tiger to form the right leg.
“Don’t worry, big brother, I’ll form the left arm!” Skuld’s Silver Tiger transformed into the right arm. “Whoops!”
“Then I will form the actual left arm,” Ami-chan said as she initiated the system.
“...and I’ll form the body,” Sephiroth said as he inserted the magical key to form his green tiger with black stripes into the body and head.
“Form Maho Tora Voltron!” The five tigers fit together into the ultimate mecha war machine.
“Oh? You think that tinker toy will be able to defeat me?!” Shade raised his spear.
“I know that spear! Lemme see...” Sephiroth was trying to think of where he had seen that spear before.
“A ha! That’s the Spear of Longinus! See how its spikes come out from the ever-tightening double helix? Wow... such craftsmanship... such design... Too bad I have to destroy it.”
“Ha! You won’t be destroying anything.”
“Take this... Ah... Hmm... Maho Tora Missile?”
“When was the last time you watched Voltron?” White Tiger handed Sephy an instruction manual. “Might I suggest using the Maho Tora Sword?”
“I guess so... Maho Tora Sword!” The Voltron pulled out a huge katana that was at least as tall as the mecha. “A sword after my own heart...”
“Heh... you think that little pig-sticker’s going to hurt me?” Shade raced his shadow EVA towards the Voltron.
The battle heated up. Maho Tora slashed at the EVA to just slash through air. It was clear that this EVA was no ordinary EVA.
The EVA then slammed the Spear of Longinus into the chest causing critical damage. Suddenly, a prog knife went whistling through the air and cut into the Shadow EVA.
EVA-02 was determined to wipe out the menace. The Maho Tora crew was very surprised, but then again, if they were thrashed by Shade (which they actually were), they’d be pissed off enough to want to disintegrate the cretin.
Sephiroth had memorized some nifty attacks and know had a chance to use them. The Voltron kicked off the Red Tiger’s head, sending it shooting at the shadow EVA as a fiery comet. It slammed into the shadow EVA, disabling it for a moment.
The head returned to its body.
“Why didn’t our sword destroy the bastard?” Sephiroth was bothered by the fact that the sword had not been effective, and yet his Fire Tiger Rocket and Asuka’s prog knife had nearly smoked the shadow EVA.
A sweat drop rolled down White Tiger’s face.
“I guess his AT field prevented our sword from attacking him. It seems different than Asuka’s field, I can sense a very different energy coming from it...”
“Sephy, can I study it? Huh, huh? Can I? Plllleeeeaaaassee?” Skuld wanted to examine the mysterious EVA herself.
“As long as its not destroyed.
As for now, this should do it... Maho-Ryu-Tora-Missile... HUZZAH!” The Red Tiger, Blue Tiger, Gold Tiger, and Silver Tiger all shot huge missiles at the shadow EVA, exploding all the war around it.
Several coughs and what sounded like the vomiting of blood came over the loud speaker. “You have... I... can--t beli..eve... it... no...t...a...g...ai...nn...” The shadow EVA exploded.
Cyber Kitty came on the intercom. “We’ve assessed damage of all the units, and we’re out of funds. White Tiger’s West Tiger Division has retreated, and the French still have their capital.
This is sad... but we’ve lost to the French. I’ve repaired my mecha and Kamui. We’re heading home. Cyber Kitty out.”
“Oh... damn. Skuld, sorry, but I guess you can’t study that EVA now...” Sephiroth was mad. Losing to the French was a horrible insult, one that he couldn’t endure.
He fiddled around with his equipment and finally managed to get Asuka on the radio. “Asuka, you might as well return to Japan with us, there’s nothing left here, anyway.”
The Maho Tora Voltron teleported back to Japan.
Fortunately for Sephiroth, he wouldn’t have to worry about either Nuku Nuku or Botan, unless a certain reject cat from Sailor Moon informed them of the latest development.
For now... he would have a little peace and quiet.
