Anime News Letter Season 2

Season 2, Special 3: Battle Square Superstar

WARNING: This is not the Battle Square that you are used to. It is bloody and graphic, much like Ninja Scroll. You have been warned. Rating: R

      Sephiroth entered his famous Battle Square. He was in anticipation of his first challenge, the demon god Shabranigdo. He heard a menacing laugh.
      “Who goes there?” Sephy demanded.
      “I deserved that award, not you, now, face me in my ultimate form...” A cabbit walked into the arena. Sephiroth started to twitch. When he was younger, his father, Hojo, put him through strange training that required young Sephy to be covered with carrots and lettuce and thrown into a pit filled with cabbits. Every time, Sephy would crawl out, bruised and bleeding, and Hojo would throw him back in.
      “C-c-cabbit?!” Sephy jumped up and slammed up and down on the cabbit Shabranigdo until the cabbit was thoroughly dead. After that, Agent Smith of the ASPCA walked in. Sephy knew that it was going to be a long day.
      “Sephiroth Jenova, you are under arrest for cabbit slaughter.”
      “Bah... You’ll never take me alive... Fire 3!!!” A large fire attack surrounded Agent Smith, but he was unharmed.
      “I can handle that,” Smith said as he pulled out a gun.
      “Handle this!!! All Sword: Holy Explosion!!!” A beam of holy energy hit Agent Smith, confusing him. Sephiroth lunged forward and slashed through Agent Smith, separating him from his upper torso. The ASPCA would never again bother Sephy. An alarm went off. Apparently, Agent Smith had triggered the self-destruct when he died. “Shit... This is bad... SMOKE BOMB!!!” He vanished in a poof of smoke.

      Standing on a hill, Sephiroth watched his precious Battle Square burn to ashes. Another member of the ANL staff, Purin, a jigglypuff, charged at Sephy. Sephy knocked away the jigglypuff.
      “What’re you up to?” Sephy took out his pokédex and started analyzing Purin.
      “An outside entity has taken control of Purin. On further investigation, it is revealed that he is under the influence of Haunter, a ghost-type pokémon.”
      “Haunter, eh? I can take care of this...” Taking out a spirit wand, Sephy took a step closer to Purin.
      “Hahahahaha... Not so fast... this is why I brought the seven Dragon Balls...” Taking out the mystical Dragon Balls, the sky turned to black. A green dragon descended.
      Its eyes bright yellow, as the sun, its scales... green fields made of scales, the body a winding snake. “What is your wish?”
      “I wish to have the ability to go Super Saiyan!!!” Purin shouted at the massive dragon.
      “It is done,” the dragon said as a white lightning bolt hit Purin, infusing him with energy. He turned into a golden jigglypuff and started hovering.
      “Now, you will never be able to stop me!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
      “Not so fast, you fool... You didn’t think that going Super Saiyan would stop me, did you?”
      “Well... yeah?”
      “No, no, no... See, I can perform the Hiryu Shoten Ha, which is based on me keeping my cool while you blow your top, so, who do you think will win?”
      “Err...”
      “Ha!!! Haunters are stupid!!! Who would’ve thought? A stupid ghost!!! You may have a body, but I doubt you know how to use it!!!”
      “I shall show you, pitiful mortal...” The possessed Purin charged at Sephy in an energy dash.
      “...I must remain calm,” Sephiroth combined his ‘true heart of a warrior’ with Haunter’s fury to create a whirlwind. “Hiryu Shoten Ha: Rising Dragon Ascension Wave!!!” Purin was tossed about, de-energized to regular Purin with a monkey tail, and the Haunter was thrown to the ground a few feet away. “Pokéball, capture!!!” He sent a single ball out, snatching up the ghost pokémon. “Let’s see... that’s five down... one-hundred-forty-six left... or, at least... until Gold and Silver appear... Purin, are you all right?”
      “Where did I get this tail?!”
      “It’s a long story including a Haunter, seven Dragon Balls, and you going Super Saiyan.”
      “Hm... what am I going to do with this tail, anyway? Let’s see... I know!!! A belt!!!” Wrapping his tail around his waist, the jigglypuff walked off.

      “Hold it right there!!!” Gatomon, Sephy’s loyal digimon, stood facing him. “I’m not going to let you pass!!!”
      “Whatever. Fireball...” Gatomon easily dodged the fireball. Sephiroth blinked. His gatomon wasn’t coordinated enough to dodge anything. “Who are you? What did you do with my Gatomon?”
      “I am Evil Kari’s Gatomon, dedicated to evil!!!” Evil Kari, who looked exactly like Kari, stepped out from the shadows.
      “Oh, so Gennai must’ve been messing around with the digiworld again...” Sephy said as the real Gatomon dropped in front of him.
      “I’ll get them!!!” Slapping his gloves together, Gatomon prepared to lunge at the two villains. Sephiroth’s digivice started shaking and his crest, the crest of loyalty, started to glow. “HentaiGatomon digivolve to...” After a complex transformation including a sack falling on HentaiGatomon, the sack bursting apart sending bras flying everywhere, a digimon looking exactly Happosai appeared. “...Etchimon!!!”
      Evil Kari’s digivice and the crest of darkness started glowing. “EvilGatomon digivolve to...” After a complex digivolution, a female devimon was standing. “LadyDevimon!!!”
      “Sweet!!!” Etchimon’s eyes formed big, pink hearts. “Etchimon’s attack: Panty Raid!!!” Jumping around LadyDevimon at the speed of light, he retreated with a lacy pink bra. “Heh, heh, heh... Nice quality...”
      Turning a bright scarlet, LadyDevimon crossed her arms over her breasts. “Hey!!! That’s mine!!!”
      “Well... apparently you forgot something. Never, ever, and I mean EVER challenge a rival trainer if he has a real pervert of a digimon!!!” Sephiroth turned to Etchimon. “Now, sick her,” he said as he pointed to Evil Kari.
      “Etchimon’s attack: Panty Raid!!!” Breaking the confines of the speed of light he made a very fast raid on poor Evil Kari, stealing her panties.
      Also turning scarlet, Evil Kari turned to Lady Devimon. “Use your attack on the disgusting lech!!!”
      “Nightmare claw!!!” She slashed at Etchimon, scratching him.
      “That’s it, Founding School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Final Attack, get ready for the...”
      “RUN!!!” Sephiroth jumped behind a shrubbery.
      “Happo-fire-burst!!!” He threw a bomb at the two Evil digiheros, burning them severely. Sephy stepped out from behind the bush.
      “Gatomon, er, Etchimon, your job is done. Thank you, um... Etchimon? Etchimon?!” His ‘loyal’ digimon was fondling his new female undergarments while making a disturbing sound of pleasure. “I’ll just continue on then...”

      “Hold it Sephy, I’m going to destroy you, BWA, HA, HA!!!”
      “What?” Turning around, he found himself facing Belldandy, who apparently had one too many evil pills. “Whatever, I guess...” Drawing out his Masamune, he stood ready to face Belldandy. “Dammit!!! I can’t... I’m still a SOLDIER, or a knight, or something... I can’t hurt a lady... Damn.”
      “Too bad, I’m not going to feel bad about this!!! Kamehameha!!!” She shot an energy blast at Sephy. He easily broke the energy and jumped back. Fortunately for him, Etchimon had just appeared.
      “What do we have here? A gorgeous young goddess? Sweet!!!” He jumped at Belldandy. “Etchimon’s attack: Panty Raid!!!” Jumping away, he held up Belldandy’s red bra.
      “PERVERT!!!” Belldandy kicked Etchimon into the higher atmosphere. Sephiroth picked up his sword and realized he had no other option. Leaping through the air, he slashed her, cleaving her arm. Grabbing the bloody stump where her arm used to sit, she shot Sephiroth an evil glare.
      “I’m really sorry to do this... Omnislash!!!” Furiously slashing at Belldandy, he reduced her to ribbons. “That’s another staff member down... No one could serve coffee like her... Wait!!! I don’t drink coffee!!! Oh well, I don’t care...” Suddenly, Skuld came shooting at Sephiroth as though controlled by a demon.
      “YOU KILLED MY BIG SIS YOU BASTARD!!!”
      “Whoa, she was under the influence of a demon god, and she couldn’t escape!!! I swear!!!”
      “Yep, evil pills do that... They are made from the eggs of the Demon Serpent, and once you have some, you’re gone. We have Seafoam Labs to thank for that, Purin, you bastard,” Cyber Kitty explained as he walked up to the scene. “Nasty...”
      “I-I...” Skuld started sobbing.
      “Child... I know!!!” Sephy was struck by a brainstorm. “I’ll be your big brother from now on!!!” Skuld stopped sobbing and stared straight at Sephy. Almost as though it was an easy answer to this overly complex situation, Skuld jumped and embraced Sephiroth.
      “Th-thank you, big br-brother Sephy...”

      Skuld, Cyber Kitty, and Sephiroth made their way down the road. Still unsure of their destination, the three heroes stopped at a sign. One arrow pointed off to the east saying that it was the way to Vermilion City. A second arrow pointing to the west indicated the path to Tokyo. A third arrow, to the north, indicated the way towards Nibelheim.
      “We have three options,” Cyber Kitty noted. “If we go to Vermilion, we can catch a ride on the SS Anne across to Server. If we head towards Tokyo, we could crash at my place and ride out to ANL HQ in the morning. It isn’t a good idea to head towards Nibelheim, there’s nothing there anyway...” Sephiroth stood silently as he stared thoughtfully to the north. “Sephy?”
      “...Nibelheim...”
      “It’s your call, but don’t blame me if we get eaten by some weird freako monster...” Cyber Kitty absentmindedly started licking his paw.
      “What’s in Nibelheim?” Skuld balanced herself on her hammer and stared off to the north.
      “...we’re going there... There’s... a score I need to settle...” Sephiroth started walking off in that direction.
      “W-wait!!! You really don’t want to go there...” Cyber Kitty was alarmed by his master’s decision.
      “..and why not?”
      “I mean, uh... It’s not safe?”
      “I can handle any enemy that we encounter, so let’s go.” Skuld and Sephiroth started walking off to Nibelheim. Cyber Kitty muttered something under his breath and chased off after them.
      Just short of nightfall, they reached Nibelheim. Sephiroth kicked open the door to the inn and walked inside. Skuld followed. Cyber Kitty looked around and quickly ran inside. Sephiroth and Cyber Kitty took one of the rooms and Skuld occupied another. They fell asleep.

      The sun poured its radiance on Sephiroth’s face as he awoke and yawned. Cyber Kitty was still snoozing on the other bed. Looking around, he noticed several Buddhist prayer scrolls on the wall. Shaking off the last bit of sleep in him, he arose and walked down the stairs. Entering the old kitchen of the inn, he rummaged around, finding some stale bread and cheese. After forcing down the vile food, he walked outside.
      “Shinra Mansion... was it really that long ago?” Sephiroth took a step forward. “The black materia and meteor... Cloud...” He started walking towards the mansion at the other end of town when he spotted a familiar face.
      “...Sephiroth...” Cloud took out his sword, the Ultima Weapon.
      “I don’t see the need to fight... it’s useless...”
      “You killed my family and friends... you killed Aeris... you tried to destroy the world... you will die!!!” Cloud lunged at Sephiroth, but was easily dodged.
      “I don’t want to hurt you, but if I have to...” Sephiroth drew his Masamune.
      “Kamehameha!!!” An energy ball shot across the town blasting Vincent Valentine off into the horizon. “Ha!!! That guy was about to snipe you, Sephy,” Skuld said as she jumped down from the top of a house.
      “Black Moon Censor’s Attack: Demon-wave-jet-black!!!” Several black energy beams shot down from the sky blasting away Cait Sith’s microphone. “I’m afraid that that is unacceptable,” Cyber Kitty muttered as he dropped from a windowsill.
      Sephiroth and Cloud were engaged in sword-to-sword combat. Cloud let fly a screeching arc as Sephiroth dodged and countered with a diagonal slash. Cloud reached his limit break and released Omnislash, shredding Sephiroth into ribbons.
      “Sephy!!!” Skuld started to cry.
      “You bastard!!!!!” Cyber Kitty was enraged. Hitting a few keys on a portable mini-computer, Gatomon and Purin soon appeared.
      Purin went Super Saiyan and was about to give Cloud the beating of his life. Gatomon digivolved into Etchimon and took a battle stance. Skuld drew back her hammer with full intent to smash Cloud in half. Baring his teeth, Cyber Kitty intended to chew apart his adversary.
      Suddenly, a total eclipse happened. “To protect the world from devastation,” a mysterious voice called out.
      “To unite all people within our nation,” a second voice resounded.
      “To defend the morals of truth and love.”
      “To extend our reach to the stars above.”
      “Sephy,” as a light illuminated the valiant hero.
      “Ukyo,” as she jumped into the light with Sephiroth.
      “Team ANL, blast off at the speed of light.”
      “Surrender now, or prepare to fight!!!”
      “Cyber Kitty, that’s right!!!”
      “...but, Sephy... aren’t you dead?” A sweat drop ebbed down Skuld’s face.
      “Hey, put out that funeral pyre, kiddo, it’ll take a lot more than Cloud to defeat me!!! Especially if he only killed a clone...”
      Cloud was shocked. Cait Sith (fully mounted on his mog) rushed up to join Cloud. Red XIII, Tifa, Barrett, and Cid also came rushing to Cloud’s side.
      “It looks like an even fight. If you want to call dibs, do it now...”
      “Ohohohohoh!!! I want Red XIII!!!” Purin floated in the air and was about to engage Red XIII.
      “Heh, heh, heh... I’ll take the lovely young flower,” Etchimon said as he drew out his pipe.
      “En guard, Cait Sith!!!” Cyber Kitty yelled.
      Whipping out her giant spatula, Ukyo stared at Barrett. “This one’s mine!!!”
      Skuld stepped forward. “I’ll take Clou-”
      “NO!!! Cloud is mine!!!” Sephiroth faced his opponent.
      The sun started to set and the two groups attacked each other. A vicious battle ensued.
      Purin shot a kamehameha at Red XIII knocking him flat. Releasing a follow through with another special technique, the ‘Anti-Newton-Defense-Shot,’ he sent Red XIII into orbit.
      “Etchimon’s attack: Panty Raid!!!” Zipping around, he stole Tifa’s white lace bra.
      “Pervert!!!” She kicked him into the sky as he vanished into the horizon.
      Ukyo pounded Barrett into the ground with her spatula, and then quickly turned around, slashing through Tifa’s mid-body. Ukyo smiled as she watched her enemy’s torso slid off of her hips.
      Grasping Cait Sith in his teeth, Cyber Kitty began slamming him around like a rag doll. This was very peculiar of the ANL censor, it wasn’t like him to horribly throttle any creature. It was as though he was a different entity... such as the dreaded Cyber Kitty Ver. 4.0 ß!!! Dum-da-dum!!! Oh, wait... there’s no such thing as Cyber Kitty Ver. 4.0 ß... Cyber Kitty finished with his prey and chucked him into the heavens.
      “Look’s like team Cait Sith’s blasting off again!!!”
      “NONONONO!!! I HATE that overly cliché line!!! Mini-missile!!!” Cyber Kitty launched several missiles which blew Cait Sith up.
      Skuld and Cid clashed their weapons. It was an even match. Cid would lunge with his spear and Skuld would block it. Skuld then countered with a swing, which Cid dodged. After a few rounds of this, Skuld was growing very, very angry... Cid managed to slap her upside the head with his spear and Skuld finally snapped. She turned Super Saiyan.
      “Can goddesses go Super Saiyan?” Purin asked as he watched Skuld’s hair stand straight up and glow golden.
      “I guess so,” Ukyo commented.
      “Heeeeeeeeeeeee-yaaaaaaaaaa!!!” Skuld screamed as she viciously slammed her croquet mallet into the side of Cid’s face, tossing him off into the horizon.
      Meanwhile, Cloud and Sephiroth were engaged in Mortal Kombat. Ripping the controller out of the game consul, he lashed at Cloud, and then slipped his Masamune into Cloud’s ribs. No fanfare nor great explosion. Cloud just died.
      “...I have to continue on, alone...” Sephiroth threw a smoke bomb and disappeared.
      “Sephy!!! Wait!!!” Skuld cried out.
      “Seanma-honey!!!” Ukyo yelled.

      Reaching a large area with pillars laying in disarray, Sephiroth looked around for his mortal foe. The sun had set... and the darkness was there.
      “I am life, I am death,” a mysterious voice called out. “I am love, I am hate. I am your best friend, I am your worst enemy...”
      “I’m ready. Come at me,” Sephiroth called out.
      “You defeated me once, you will not do it again...” The source of the mysterious voice showed himself. Standing on top of a pillar with the moon behind him, he was garbed in a black robe and was holding a sword that glowed blue, the Atma Weapon.
      “Archmage Shade, you will not live,” Sephiroth said as he drew out Masamune.
      Shade jumped down. “Oh? Will I die? Tell me, chef, what will you do after you kill me? You realize that life is more than death, that it is only with life that good happens...”
      “I’m not the chef anymore, you fool, I am now the editor...”
      “You steal my job and try to destroy me? What gratitude is that?”
      “Enough talk!!!” Sephiroth leaped and slashed through nothing but air. Realizing that Shade was behind him, he leaped, narrowly missed by the Atma Weapon as it slashed through where he just was.
      “Feel the wrath of my magic techniques!!! Fireball X!!!” Shade shot a large fireball that smashed a column where Sephiroth was standing before he jumped to safety. “Oh? Not good enough for you? Try this... Fireball Alley!!!” Several fireballs shot in a horizontal line towards Sephiroth as he slashed through every last one of them. “Ha, ha, ha... Don’t forget that I know your fears... your dreams... your hopes... They will all be crushed... Summon Spell: Cabbits en Mass!!!” Several cabbits appeared.
      “C-c-c-c-c-cabbits?!!” Something snapped in Sephiroth’s mind: he started acting like a cabbit.
      “What’s this?” Shade was stunned. He had never seen such a bizarre turn of events.
      “Anything Goes School of Martial Arts Final Attack: Cabbit Fist!!!” Sephiroth’s hands started to glow green as he pummeled Shade into one of the columns. “Cabbit Fist Finisher: Cabbit Ray!!!” He shot a green beam, slicing off Shade’s left arm.
      “Ack!!! You may have beaten me... but you’ll never leave alive...” The cabbits disappeared. Shade’s body slowly disintegrated.
      “...Damn it. I have to get away...” Noticing a motorbike, he hoped on and sped out of the area. A decent couple of miles away, he watched the area that he and Archmage Shade fought in disappear into magma. “...it’s been a long day, I’m going home.”

      “That night, I knew everything had changed. Belldandy was dead, which I honestly didn’t mind, it was all my senpai’s fault for her being my ‘girlfriend’, anyway, I didn’t drink coffee. Our newest addition to the staff is my ‘little sister’ Skuld, a decent mechanic, but I think I’ll keep her away from my mechas... My Gatomon can finally digivolve into his ultimate stage of Etchimon, but I wonder... Why did he leave the digiworld, anyway? Was it that long ago that I found him, alone, cold, and scared in the woods? Purin can go Super Saiyan, and apparently Skuld can, too. That doesn’t mean anything, so what if they can go Super Saiyan? Does that have any impact on me? No, it doesn’t. What about Nibelheim? Who cares... I have bad memories... The Jenova Project... I’ve always felt since I was small... that I was different from the others. Special, in some way. But... not like this... This world is full of monsters. Am I the same as all these monsters? Agent Smith, Cloud, Haunter, Shabranigdo... these monsters that are now in the grave... or in my Pokéball... What makes any of us different from them? Shade once told me that life is more than death and that it is only with life that good happens. The Battle Square... Is it death? Is it life? I must return to my friends and rebuild the Colosseum, even if it is death, we must continue on. Long before the human race existed, the stars shone in the heavens. Long after humanity is gone, the stars will shine on. We may not be able to live forever, but from now on, I will make every moment count.”