Season 2, Issue 19
Animé News Letter
Season 2, Issue 19
Editor/Reviews/Battle Square: Sephiroth/Seanma
Tea Wench/Rumiko Takahashi Correspondent/Tripod Webmistress: Shampoo/Asuka
Lowly Reporter/Asst. Editor: Purin/Bryoga/Eevee/Jiggleevee/Kyusaku
Article Writer/Asst. Editor: HentaiGatomon
Engineer/Limited Goddess, 2nd class/Cocoa Wench: Skuld
Secret Police/Walking Data Base: Cyber Kitty/=^o^=
Bounty Hunter: Fujikuro/Zell Dinct
Sent to: Erika Lt./Lum/Ifurita, Jake, Mr. Saotoby, Happodan/Dr. Tofu, "The ex-Secretary", Ami-chan, Melancholy, Ranma, Aly/Mimi/Raisin, Kaitou Ace, Tasuki, Lucifer Morningstar, Neo “Genesis”, Am0s M0ses, Makato/Oddichu/Akiko, Lain The Typhoon, Mikon/Moko-ohki/evil cold cabbit, Ferio, Hojo, Ice Dragon #74/“Icy”, Vegeta’s in Maine, Jadeite, Deedlit, Little~Sasami, Locke/White Tiger, Xellos, Sailor Kaoss, Ewok/Fabulous Techie #3/Yoda, Chibi Chibi Usa, and Neptunelover
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Dear reader,
I’ve finally returned from my mysterious skiing trip with Asuka, and am ready to write another great ANL! As for Gatomon’s Love Potion #9, well, we won’t go there! Today we have a Battle Square rematch between the EVAs and the ANL Mecha Department. GO ANL! I’ve studied up to defeat my opponents, but at what cost? Also, the second installation of the Love Trilogy will be released soon.
Sincerely,
Sephiroth
OAV Review: MAPS
Written by Sephiroth
Sephy: **** Purin: *****
Ever wonder what life would be like if you and your girlfriend left Earth on a quest to find these Star Maps of the entire universe that revel a power that will make the entire universe tremble? Gen soon finds that out when an android named Lipumira grabs him and his girlfriend to find a third of the map, which is located at the center of the Earth. Apparently, Gen is the White Mapman descendent of the Nomad Star Tribe and his DNA acts as a compass to find the first part of the map. The three of them then set off on a quest to find the other parts and end up saving a princess, meeting a living planet of madness, and saving the entire universe from this sadistic android. One of the drawbacks to this OAV is that it never actually ends. It just... stops.
There are a few things that are rather key to the series. Lipumira is actually the android brain of this ghost ship (which isn’t actually a ghost, so don’t get confused). There are five sister ghost ships to Lipumira, but Lipumira became a renegade who sought out the Star Maps for herself. Each of them has a special ability, and the cutest one of them is Lipulim, the young, golden ghost ship. There is a very chaotic weapon called the Sacrifice Cannon, which has a large blender that is filled with any sort of creature. The cannon actually feeds off of the negative emotions of the creatures when they die.
BATTLE SQUARE NEO
*WARNING: GORE FACTOR FOR TODAY IS NINE*
Zell: Welcome to the ANL rematch of the century! Today, the EVA pilots will go against the ANL grand mech, the Maho Tora Voltron! Here for a commentary is Misato.
Misato: My EVA pilots are in good shape for this fight, and it should be a nice long fight. Asuka’s been acting rather strangely lately, but she’ll probably give just as good a fight as always.
Shinji: I don’t want to pilot an EVA!!!
*inside NERV HQ*
Gendo: *sighs* Get the dummy plug.
Hojo: Well, Dr. Ikari, we’ll see exactly whom has the best son, won’t we? *laughs*
Gendo: Today is a day of reckoning. The EVA pilots will have to utilize all their skill to defeat your son.
Hojo: The Magical Tiger Voltron will not easily be defeated.
*on the battle field*
Sephy: FORM MAHO TORA VOLTRON!!!! *the five tiger mecha transforms into the cheap Voltron rip-off (the MTV unit)*
Asuka: *heart eyes* Isn’t Sephiroth just wonderful!
Sephy: *turns to face Gatomon* You know, I’m still going to eat you if you don’t make an antidote for that.
Gatomon: ...I’m working on it...
Rei: ... *unit 00 jumps at MTV*
Skuld: Turning on Maho Tora Voltron theme music: the Money For Nothing, Chicks For Free song! *turns it on* Activate Tora-ken! *pulls out a large tiger-stripped katana* *kicks Unit 00 away* Ha! Take that, you stupid clown!
White Tiger: That’s clone, Skuld.
Skuld: Clone, clown, what ever... *hacks off unit 00’s right arm*
Asuka: *swooning* Did you just see Sephiroth’s mech tear off Wonder Girl’s arm? Ah...
Sephiroth: *strangling Gatomon* You stupid son of a b----, what the f--- did you think you were doing?!
Sentret: *pops out of nowhere in the cockpit* For those of you confused with what happened, Gatomon threw a love potion at Asuka that was meant to make her fall in love with him. However, Asuka saw Sephy before she saw Gatomon, and fell in love with our glorious Editor. The love potion is very potent, and makes the subject fall absolutely madly in love with the first person they see.
Ami-chan: ... Hey, Gatomon, do you have any left?
Shinji: Take this- *unit 01 raises a gun to shoot Sephiroth*
Asuka: STOP THAT!!! *unit 02 shoves 01 over*
*at SEELE HQ*
Board Member #1: Nothing must endanger the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Board Member #2: Yes, we must take action.
Board Member #3: RELEASE THE EVAS! *hunting trumpets sound off*
*on the battle field*
Zell: *aboard interstellar cabbit-starship Kamui* Looks like the MTV unit will win this battle... Wait! What’s this? It looks like there are large aircraft entering the area...
SEELE EVAs: *are dispatched from their aircraft and land around the MTV*
Sephy: Wait... these are the guys that used Shinji and his stupid mech to form the Tree of Knowledge... the Sefirot... also spelled Sephiroth!!! COME ON YOU B-------!!! *whirls around Tora-ken*
White Tiger: What did I tell you about stealing that angel?
Gatomon: Yeah, it was just an embryo, anyway.
Skuld: ...and what’s that large crucified giant with seven eyes down in the basement?
Rei: *with a very (very very) slight tone of anger in her voice* You stole Lilith?
Gatomon: SHE’S FURIOUS!!! RUN!!!
White Tiger: *smacks Gatomon* We have more problems to worry about. *MTV unit starts hacking through the SEELE EVAs, one after the other. After all of them have been destroyed, White Tiger surveys the scenery*
Sephiroth: That’s one way to handle it... *MTV unit faces 00* Now, your turn. *more SEELE EVAs engage MTV* What the... more? *a total eclipse of the sun happens and the earth starts to shake* What the Jusenkyo!? A sign of the Apocalypse?!
???: *loud booming high-pitched echo* JIGGLYPUFF!!!
Sephy: ...or Purin...
Purin: *inside Jiggly-mech 0-1* I’ve added a sacrifice cannon, just like in MAPS!
Zell: A sacrifice cannon is a cannon that feeds off of the negative feelings of creatures by putting them into a blender.
Purin: My sacrifice cannon works off of pikachu so I can enjoy a nice pikachu smoothie afterwards! Now... Sacrifice cannon...
*inside the sacrifice cannon*
Pikachu (plural): *running around inside a large glass tube*
Blades: *huge nasty looking blades start whirring and descending upon the helpless pikachu* WHIRR!!! *the pikachu are turned into a mass of blood and liquefied gore*
*on the battlefield*
Purin: FIRE!!! *a large energy beam cuts through the sky blowing away all of the SEELE EVAs* Now for a smoothie! *chugs back some pikachu frappe*
Sephy: That’s disgusting... *notices more SEELE EVAs* How many of these guys can there be?! *looks around the field, and notices no SEELE EVA corpses* What the Yomi, Land of Gloom?!
White Tiger: Back in my days at the Academy in Germany, I read that the SEELE EVAs can regenerate themselves.
Sephy: *turning on the two-way radio* Hey, Asuka, what can you do to stop these guys?
Asuka: Last time I fought these guys, I got ripped apart. I’ll never forgive them! *takes out a prog knife to slash the SEELE EVAs up*
???: Dimensional Wall! *one of the SEELE EVAs get trapped inside a force field*
Sephy: It’s Lipulim! The cutest mecha pilot around!
Skuld: NO!!! I’m the cutest!!!
Asuka: *sniffs* What about me?
Lim: *pops up on a video screen inside MTV* Yes, it’s me, Lipulim, the youngest of the six ghost ships!
SEELE EVA: *breaks out of the box and huddles with the other SEELE EVAs*
Shinji: No!!! I don’t wanna be an EVA pilot anymore!!!
*at NERV HQ*
Gendo: *looking sinister as always* Ready the dummy plug...
*at ANL HQ*
Cyber Kitty: *holding up a cup of mocha* Hello… hello… hello... Is there anybody out there? Can you see me? Is there anyone at all?
*on the battle field*
SEELE EVAs: *jump Shinji and form the Tree of Knowledge with him*
Sephy: *eyes glow red* That’s it... *trances*
Zidane: *inside Kamui: Interstellar Space Cabbit* The trance brings out the special abilities of the person while allowing them to change into nifty clothing. Usually, a person goes into a trance when they reach a heightened emotional state. *eats a banana*
Sephy: *now dressed in a black kimono with a silver tiger on the back* Time for my secret mecha trick: JENOVA SYNTHESIS!!! *Maho Tora Voltron transforms into Jenova*
Asuka: Sephy!!!
Jenova: ... *uses a laser attack to knock apart the Sefirot*
Shinji: Ah!!!! *Unit 01 falls face down into a rather large pile of cow dung making a plhppp! sound*
Jenova: *lashes out a tentacle and grabs a couple SEELE EVAs and starts devouring them in a rather disgusting way*
Purin: Mmmm... save me some of that EVA!
Kamui: *the black and silver starship suddenly turns green and falls out of the sky into the ocean*
Zell and Zidane: *trying to bail out Kamui* Help! We’ll give you anything you want, even candy!!!
*at SEELE HQ*
Board Member #1: How could this have happened?!
Board Member #2: The Dead Sea Scrolls predicted our victory!!!
Slitzkin: *the wandering moogle from Final Fantasy IX* Um... excuse me, but these Dead Sea Scrolls are a shopping list... Look! Two tomatoes... bag of chips... some soda...
Board Members: ...
*on the battle field*
Jenova: *flashes brightly, lightning shoots around it, and it turns back to Maho Tora Voltron*
Sephy: Now that they’re taken care of, time for Wonder Girl... Tora-ken, away! Bring out the Tiger Club!!! *MTV puts away the sword and pulls out a large beating club*
Rei: ... *Unit 00 jump kicks MTV*
Asuka: REI, YOU B----!!! *Unit 02 hacks off the remaining limb of Unit 00*
Sephy: That’s not the way to do it, this is!!! *MTV starts clubbing Unit 00 to pieces*
*at NERV HQ*
Female Mechanic: Rei’ll die! We have to eject the entry plug!
Cool Male Mechanic: Right... *forces the entry plug to eject*
Gendo: *mumbles* There are more of her where she came from...
Hojo: *adjusts his glasses* Now... on to the matter of your Asuka marrying my Sephiroth...
Sephy: *popping up on the screen with a large sweat drop on his head* Dad!!! I DON’T NEED NOR WANT ANOTHER FIANCÉE!!!
Tendo: *popping up on a screen with a very scary and large head* SAOTOME!!!
Asuka: *also popping up, but with star eyes* Can I really?! Please??? Please???
*a few weeks later in the woods...*
Rei: *alone and emotionless, she has been wandering the woods, lost. Her plug suit is torn in many places, and then she encounters a moogle* Can you assist me to NERV?
Moogle: *hits a club into his hand. He calls out in a shrill voice* Let’s get ‘em, boys! *suddenly, several moogles jump out of the bushes with axes, razor blades, and rocket launchers. They descend upon Rei and rip her to shreds*
Moogle #2: *holding up a cup of red liquid* Mmm... that’s some good Rei!
Essay: Shampoo’s Voice
Written by Sephiroth
One of the most unique dialects in the Pop Japanese culture is that of Shampoo from the Martial Arts Comedy, Ranma 1/2. Her particular speech dialect comes from her lineage of being a Chinese Amazon princess. The most pronounced parts of her dialect are her use of the word “hiya,” her constantly being in third person, and her broken English/Japanese. The most used expression that Shampoo uses is “hiya.”
Shampoo says the word “hiya” in various ways to convey emotion. Despite what many people seem to think, it is not an attack phrase or a verbal greeting when Shampoo uses it. When presented with a confusing or embarrassing situation, she says “hiya” in a long drawn out fashion. When overtly happy, she says it in a loud and high-pitched voice. Other than those two ways, Shampoo doesn’t have any additional uses for the word “hiya,” but seems to use it frequently.
Shampoo usually speaks in third person. She occasionally says “you,” but usually never “I, we, she, or he.” She will commonly say something like this: “When Shampoo done, Ranma date Shampoo” (Ranma 1/2 OAV “Akane and Her Sisters”). When she does say “you,” she uses it in a very direct manner, usually very threateningly, such as: “Ranma marry Shampoo, not you” (Ranma 1/2 OAV “Akane and Her Sisters”). Her use of the third person is accompanied by her poor English/Japanese.
Shampoo, being a Chinese Amazonian Princess, doesn’t know how to correctly speak the language. She often will say something such as: “Either way, Shampoo no care who win” (Ranma 1/2 the Movie 2: Nihao My Concubine). Her broken Japanese/English is a normal occurrence throughout the entire series.
Shampoo is the most unique character in the series for her great dialect. All the other characters speak near-perfect Japanese/English, making them rather bland. Shampoo dresses differently, speaks differently, and even turns into a purple kitty when splashed with cold water. There is nothing that detracts from her personality what so ever.
(For what it matters, I got an A in my senior English class on this paper.)
Closing: Sephiroth’s house...
Sephy: I don’t know why we’re here... *sips some green tea while Asuka, Shampoo, and Ami-chan hang off of him*
Purin: *eye twitches* How are Shampoo and Asuka here at once? They’re the same person!!!
Hojo: *appearing from nowhere* I can explain that. If anyone has ever watched the entire Neon Genesis Evangelion series, they would realize that this is some trick for Sephiroth to get in touch with himself. Apparently, Sephiroth has a much more sane mind than Shinji, if any of you remember those dreaded episodes where no one knew what was going on. As to Asuka and Shampoo, Sephy for whatever reason has separated them.
Sephy: So, I’m not really engaged to Asuka? Rei never got ripped apart by moogles? The Dead Sea Scrolls aren’t a shopping list?
Hojo: *laughs and adjusts his glasses* Yes, you are engaged to Asuka now, and moogles did rip apart Rei.
Sephy: But what about the Dead Sea Scrolls?
Hojo: *put his hand on Sephy’s shoulder and shakes his head*
Sephy: NOOO!!!!
Gatomon: *drinking some cocoa while sitting in Skuld’s lap* If this’s all in Seph’s mind, then why are those girls hanging off of him?
Hojo: Well?
Sephy: Well... I... *concentrates*
Purin: Look’s like Team Jiggly’s blasting off agaaaaaiiiinnn! *star pings*
Cyber Kitty: *turns into Godzilla and attacks DC* Graw!!!
Skuld: *poof... becomes a geisha in a tea house*
Gatomon: *poof... in a tea house* Hey... this’s kind of nice...
Sentret: *poof... becomes the Emperor of France* Oui! Bonjour, bonjour... J’aime ma fromage, Claude...
Hojo: Son... I take it back... You’re a lot stranger than Shinji...
Aeris: *praying in this weird gothic cathedral*
Sephy: *jumps out of nowhere, runs Aeris through, and starts making out with Ami-chan over Aeris’s corpse*
Nibelheim: *existing peacefully without any problem...*
Sephy: *starts burning down the peaceful hamlet while decapitating people in the streets... then starts making out with Asuka* Ah... Nowhere could be better to make out with a girl...
Mousse: *on a Tokyo street corner in the residential district* Shampoo’s my bride!!! *throws a dagger at Sephiroth*
Sephy: *plants his foot into Mousse’s face, breaks his glasses, and then starts making out with Shampoo*
a bed: *a peaceful spring morning...*
Sephy: *wakes up in an untied bathrobe (that’s closed) with Shampoo, Asuka, and Ami-chan lying next to him in really skimpy night dresses* Oh damn... *climbs out the window*
Hojo: *fuzzying into view* Sephiroth... Sephiroth... are you all right?
Sephy: Am I still dreaming?
Hojo: *rolls eyes* Oh, but of course...
Sephy: Great! Ha! *decapitates Aeris and starts making out with a very flustered Shampoo*
Shampoo: Hiya... *blushes*
Hojo: No! You’re not dreaming!!! Haven’t you ever heard of sarcasm, boy?!
Sephy: *blushes* Um... no?
Hojo: *adjusts glasses* Well... at least Misato and Rei stayed out of your perverted nightmares...
Sephy: Yeah! Heh... *starts laughing nervously* That’s all it was! Some damn nightmare I had after turning into Jenova and turning back... and blacking out!!!
Gatomon: *slides up next to Sephiroth* Then why are you making out with Shampoo?
Sephy: Oh, um... I... don’t know? *flustered, turns to the audience* Well, that wraps it up for another great issue of the ANL!
Endorsements:
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ANL Home Page
http://kawaiianimegirl.tripod.com/smeared.html
Ami-chan’s really cool page
http://www.anipike.com
The Animé Turnpike, The #1 source on every Animé
http://www.rightstuf.com
Right Stuf On-line Store
http://www.tuxedomask.com
A really cool Sailor Moon site
http://www.geocities.com/animenewspage
Zell’s webpage
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