Season 2, Issue 15
Animé News Letter
Season 2, Issue 15
Editor/Reviews/Battle Square: Sephiroth/Seanma
Tea Wench/Rumiko Takahashi Correspondent/Tripod Webmistress: Shampoo/Asuka
Lowly Reporter/Asst. Editor: Purin/Bryoga/Eevee/Jiggleevee
Article Writer/Asst. Editor: HentaiGatomon
Engineer/Limited Goddess, 2nd class/Cocoa Wench: Skuld
Secret Police: Cyber Kitty/=^o^=
Geocities Webmaster/Bounty Hunter: Fujikuro/Zell Dinct
Sent to: Erika Lt./Lum/Ifurita, Jake, Mr. Saotoby, Happodan/Dr. Tofu, "The ex-Secretary", Ami-chan, Melancholy, Ranma, Nighteyes, Aly/Mimi/Raisin, Kaitou Ace, Tasuki, Lucifer Morningstar, Neo “Genesis”, Am0s M0ses, Makato/Oddichu, Lain The Typhoon, Mikon/Moko-ohki/evil cold cabbit, Ferio, Hojo, Ice Dragon #74/“Icy”, Vegeta’s in Maine, Jadeite, Deedlit, Little~Sasami, Locke/White Tiger, Nuke The Whales 2000/Kenny, Sailor Kaoss, Ewok/Fabulous Techie #3/Yoda, and Chibi Chibi Usa
Subscribers in: Maine 13, California 2, Texas 4, Georgia 2, Colorado 1, NY 1, Florida 1, Missouri 2, Virginia 1, Illinois 1, Maryland 1, and Louisiana 1
If you know anyone who wants this, contact us at sephiroth_gatomon@yahoo.com
Warning: In the spirit of all that is animé, some of these scenes may be seen as lewd and/or violent. We also have a pervert on staff to fill in as an animé archetype. Viewer discretion is advised.
Dear reader,
Another issue of the ANL has decided to jump and strangle us all, then eat us with a bit of oregano, hold the onions, with a side order of ramen. Bon appetite.
Sincerely,
Sephiroth
Movie Review: Metal Angel Marie/My Dear Marie
Written by Sephy
Sephy: **** Purin: **** Skuld: ***** Cyber Kitty: *****
Has your dream girl ever been out of your reach? Feel lonely while staring at your Macintosh computer? Hiroshi is one of these guys, but he formulated a plan with his trusty Mac. He made a girl! Being the average flawed super genius he is, he built her exactly like his dream girl Marie (but with pink hair, the kinky b******), and even named her the same! Unfortunately, this makes all good Mac users look like idiots. Marie, being a Mac-android, quickly solves all his problems by meeting the real Marie. She then promptly malfunctions, Hiroshi quickly explains that she’s her sister, grabs her, and runs off. After that, he explains to Marie that she’s actually an android, and the two Maries become close friends. How does this solve Hiroshi’s problems? With the fake Marie good friends with the real one, she finds out that the real Marie likes Hiroshi too!
Movie Review: Armitage III: Polymatrix
Written by White Tiger
White Tiger: *** Grey Tiger (aka Sephy): ***
It is a time of turmoil on Mars. The population is upset over the expanding of robots into the job market. Police officer Ross Sylibus arrives on Mars. He is assigned to be partners with Naomi Armitage. At the same time as his arrival, a psychopath named Renea Dan Claude kills Kelly McCannon, the last country singer, revealing that she is a robot, called a third. Dan Claude continues killing one after another, until caught by Armitage. Dan Claude somehow escapes and the pair of cops must battle against the secret forces behind Mars as the Earth works to gain greater political control over the planet. A great sci-fi flick, but may not be appropriate for young children.
BATTLE SQUARE NEO (Hokkaido Location)
Sephy: Welcome to the not-so-cursed hot springs location of Battle Square Neo, the northern Japanese island of Hokkaido.
Hojo: *is in his lab coat in a hot spring with several beautiful girls and snow monkeys* This fight should prove most interesting.
Random Girl: Mr. Hojo never takes off his lab coat, not even in a hot spring. Must be a sign of a true intellect...
Snow Monkey: *makes cute monkey sounds while picking fleas off of Hojo*
Purin: Hi dad!!! Hi Victoria!!!
Sephy: *blinks* Who’s Victoria?
Purin: A beauty who uses three female sentret.
Sephy’s Sentret: Tret. .o0{Don’t I know it, hee, hee...}
Sephy: Todays fight is between Armitage and Marie to seal the fate of the eternal war between the Noble Macs and the Lousy IBMs (pronounced ib-em-ses)!!!
Marie: So who’s the person I’m going to fight?
Armitage: Right here! *punches Marie* Usually I only do this to evil robots, but after all, you’re a Mac!!!
Sephy: Marie will never be able to take on Armitage... *pulls out a 3.5” floppy* Here!!! *throws it to Marie*
Marie: *catches and inserts disc* What’s this?
Sephy: An attack protocol program based upon two great animé films, Wrath of the Ninja and Ninja Scroll! *dramatically points at Armitage* Get that IBM (pronounced ib-em)!!!
Snow Monkey: *throws a banana at Armitage and makes a kyooooouuute monkey sound*
Armitage: *shoots a laser at the monkey*
Marie: Hey!!! You can’t do that!!! *jump kicks Armitage*
Cyber Kitty: Mac, Mac, Mac, she’s on crack! Mess up her processor and kick her a--!!!
Sephy: Cyber Kitty, we need to discus your role as ANL censor... *looks at hot spring* Hm...
Armitage: Take this, you Mac-in-trash!!! *shoots a laser at Marie*
Skuld: Use program 3.8!!!
Marie: *substitutes a log for herself, which gets cut in half*
Skuld: *dresses up like a gentleman* Raticate, jump kick!!!
Marie: *jump kicks Armitage*
Purin: *takes a quick snapshot of Skuld*
Skuld: Ah!!! YOU PERVERT!!! *smashes Purin into the atmosphere with her mallet*
Armitage: *grabs Marie and proceeds to pummel the Hell out of her*
Tennis ball Marie: I’m just a thing... *suddenly looks determined* But I can change into anything!!! *changes into a small star ship*
Marie: All right! *gets beamed aboard*
Tennisball-starship Marie: Here we go!!! *proceeds to continually blast Armitage with twin laser canons*
Sentret: Sentret!!! (looks like Marie’s winning!!!)
Zell: No!!! *throws a disc to Armitage*
Armitage: B-Ko battle data installed! Windows 98 fully functional! Akagiyama Missiles!!! *blows up Tennis ball Marie*
Marie: *falls downward with her katana aimed straight at Armitage* Hyaaaaa!!!! *slashes Armitage’s missile and laser arm off*
Armitage: You, you wouldn’t... you can’t...
Marie: You may be able to become pregnant, but I can still kick your a--, b----! *slashes off Armitage’s head, leaving motor oil all over the battle field*
Sentret: Sentret, sen! (Looks like Macintosh prevails over IBM [pronounced ib-em]! Marie is the winner!)
Purin: I’ve used the ANL’s Mac (a Performa 575) to create my own android! It is a cross between an oddish and a pikachu, but with red hair.
Shampoo (?): *has... red hair?* Hiya...
Sephy: *in a hot spring (still wearing his trench coat* Ah... my creation on the Mac G3 was a success...
Shampoo (real): *disables android Shampoo and throws her parts in a recycling bin* Hiya... if Seanma want Shampoo, why not Seanma just say so?
Sephy: *sweat drop*
Gatomon: For two guys who constantly deny having any feelings for anyone, you present us with some startling information...
Purin and Sephy: BAD MR. KITTY!!! *Purin ice beams, while Sephy uses Ice3, freezing Gatomon solid*
Cyber Kitty: I was made on a IIe, predating Macs and IBMs!!!
Tennis Court of Dreams [a mini-story]
Written by Locke (adapted from My Dear Marie)
Sephiroth let lose another wild swing, propelling the ball in a 45-degree angle that returned in a downward spiral. He let his racket pound the ball, allowing it to fly over the wall. He then rushed up the stairs in hot pursuit of the ball.
“Really, Sephy, I don’t even know why you belong to the club,” Gatomon commented.
“I joined to play tennis, just the same as you,” Sephy muttered.
“With the back wall?”
“Yes the wall! Why... she loves me and compliments my skill!”
“Okay...” Gatomon’s eyes suddenly darted to a tennis skirt-clad figure behind Sephiroth.
“Ohayo Sephy-sama!” Skuld cheerfully bowed to her ‘older brother.’ She then faced Gatomon. “I request a match against Ami-chan!”
“Ami-chan’s the club’s best tennis player, you can’t be serious,” Gatomon shrugged her off.
“Yes I am, and I want to play her!”
“Okay, but I warned you,” Gatomon said as he signaled to Ami-chan across the court. Sephy looked panic-stricken.
Gatomon climbed up on the announcer’s chair. “As this club’s judge, let me explain the prize system... the loser has to go out on a hot date with the winner’s fella tomorrow night!”
“What do you mean?” Skuld asked.
“If you win, Ami-chan goes out with Sephiroth, but if Ami-chan wins, you go out with me.”
“How long have you been telling people that you’re my fella, huh?!” Ami-chan was upset.
“Relax, it’s just a game,” Gatomon said as a sweat drop slid down his face.
Ami-chan faced her opponent from across the net. She let the ball fly up in the air and then fly past Skuld. She smiled and awaited the score to be announced. Skuld was determined.
“15-love!” The game grew intense. “30-love!” “45-love!” “Soon the high school girl will be mine,” Gatomon thought.
“Skuld! Do you want to go out with Gatomon?!”
“No,” Skuld said as she stared at the distressed Sephiroth.
“Then win!!!”
“But if I win... my older brother goes out on a date with Mer- I mean Ami-chan... but if I lose... then,” Skuld thought. She then gulped. “Okay, projected spiral to the right...” Ami-chan let the ball fly, and it then was reflected and bounced behind her.
“What?! Um... 15-45,” Gatomon called out. The game turned to Skuld’s favor. “30-45” “45-45, advantage Skuld!”
“Impossible...” Hiroshi and Dyckai (those two non-essential characters from Ranma 1/2) commented in unison.
“A high school girl beating Mer- I mean Ami-chan?! Impossible!” Sasami yelled.
Ami-chan stood sweating, Skuld wiped the sweat from her brow. It all came down to this. The sun started to set, and a golden glow fell over the court. Skuld let the deciding ball screech across the court, missing Ami-chan’s racket by a few mere centimeters. Skuld had won.
“...and the winner is Skuld Jenova,” Gatomon sighed.
All the court went black, except for a spotlight in front of the court. Purin walked over, and Locke rushed in, picked up Purin and tossed him to the cosmos. “My spotlight! Well, any rate, seems that Sephiroth’s committed to going on a HOT date with Ami-chan! How will our hero handle this? ...and what about Shampoo? All this and more, on the next episode of the Animé News Letter!”
Closing: At the Mecha shop...
*several mechanics are fixing robots, assault vehicles and mecha*
Locke: *adjusting a gear on his Magitek Armor “Forseti”* So, aren’t you a lucky dog, Sephy?
Sephy: *hooking up a main turret to his tank Tiger Special [as in the one from Dominion Tank Police]* Once Tiger Special is up and running, you’re going to be punished...
Locke: *a dangerous glint enters his eye* You wanna try me? I’ll give you a dose of bolt beam...
Asuka: *throws a wrench at Locke* It’s because of that stupid bolt beam that my EVA’s systems are f---ed up!
Sephy: Kon-nichi wa, Asuka-san. I didn’t see you there.
Asuka: *jumping down* Hey, Sephy, while you’re here... who exactly are you in love with? Shampoo? Ami-chan? Ukyo? ...or even Skuld?
Sephy: Why does everyone think that I’m dating every female of every animé?! It’ll be a cold, cold day when I date ANYONE (or thing) from pokémon!!!
Purin: *fixing his crushed Jigglymech-01* Why not?
Cyber Kitty: *installing anti-IBM [ib-em] missiles* ‘cause they’re all freakish freaks of a freak show...
Asuka: So...
Sephy: ?! Who do YOU like, Asuka?!
Asuka: N-none of your business! *throws a wrench at Sephy and walks away*
Locke: *standing over Sephy* Yo! Sephy?! You okay?
Sephy: *lying on the ground with his hands under his head and a hint of a smile on his face* Just peachy...
Cyber Kitty: We’re sending out a survey to better suit your needs next week. Merry Christmas/Yule/Rammadon/Hanukkah/Kwanza/whatever!
Endorsements:
https://anlcrew13.tripod.com/main.html
ANL Tripod Page (archives)
http://www.geocities.com/animefool
ANL Geocities page (shrines)
http://kawaiianimegirl.tripod.com/smeared.html
Ami-chan’s really cool page
http://www.anipike.com
The Animé Turnpike, The #1 source on every Animé
http://www.rightstuf.com
Right Stuf On-line Store
http://www.tuxedomask.com
A really cool Sailor Moon site
http://www.geocities.com/animenewspage
Zell’s webpage
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