Season 2, Issue 14
Animé News Letter
Season 2, Issue 14
Editor/Reviews/Battle Square: Sephiroth/Seanma
Tea Wench/Rumiko Takahashi Correspondent/Tripod Webmistress: Shampoo/Asuka
Lowly Reporter/Asst. Editor: Purin/Bryoga/Eevee/Jiggleevee
Article Writer/Asst. Editor: HentaiGatomon
Engineer/Limited Goddess, 2nd class/Cocoa Wench: Skuld
Secret Police: Cyber Kitty/=^o^=
Geocities Webmaster/Bounty Hunter: Fujikuro/Zell Dinct
Sent to: Erika Lt./Lum/Ifurita, Jake, Mr. Saotoby, Happodan/Dr. Tofu, "The ex-Secretary", Ami-chan, Melancholy, Ranma, Nighteyes, Aly/Mimi/Raisin, Kaitou Ace, Tasuki, Lucifer Morningstar, Neo “Genesis”, Am0s M0ses, Makato/Oddichu, Lain The Typhoon, Mikon/Moko-ohki/evil cold cabbit, Ferio, Hojo, Ice Dragon #74/“Icy”, Vegeta’s in Maine, Jadeite, Deedlit, Little~Sasami, Locke/White Tiger, Nuke The Whales 2000/Kenny, Sailor Kaoss, and Ewok/Fabulous Techie #3/Yoda
Subscribers in: Maine 13, California 2, Texas 4, Georgia 2, Colorado 1, NY 1, Florida 1, Missouri 2, Virginia 1, Illinois 1, Maryland 1
If you know anyone who wants this, contact us at sephiroth_gatomon@yahoo.com
Dear Reader,
I have finally returned from “vacation”, and am ready to, above all else, lynch Gatomon and Purin. This issue we have a movie review from Ranma and a game review from Lain The Typhoon. To make amends for the last Battle Square, we’ve arranged a three-way fight between Asuka (in EVA-02), Duo (in Gundam Deathscythe), and myself (in Queen Margarita) to settle once and for all what’s the best mecha!!! Ever wonder about the Japanese school system? We’ve included an article on that too, just for you!
Sincerely,
Sephiroth, Editor-in-Chief
P.S. We can edit whoever the Hell we want, remember that, Lain The Typhoon
Movie Review: X
Written by Ranma
Ranma: ****
This is an odd one. Based on the manga by Clamp (Magic Knight Rayearth), the saga known simply as "X" is both beautiful and downright creepy at the same time. It also has a lot, and I mean A LOT, of blood in it. Right up there with Vampire Hunter D on the gore chart, this is definitely NOT for the faint of heart. When you pop the video in expecting to see a beautifully drawn scene of Tokyo filled with hundreds of happy people, but you're greeted by a beautifully drawn scene of the main character (Kamui) and his Mother standing in a lake of blood, you know that this is NOT going to be a movie in which everyone lives happily ever after. Then, to make matters worse, Kamui's mom then reaches into her own stomach and pulls out this REALLY long sword while blood pours out of the rather large hole in her stomach. The movie is also just a little bit hard to understand due to the fact that absolutely nothing makes sense during the first thirty minutes of the video! However, in light of all of this, X is an amazing film with an extremely developed storyline, although if you haven't read the manga, you will be lost in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. Also, there are some spoilers in the movie, but the fine people at Clamp made one small change: the ending of the Manga and the movie are DIFFERENT! You can't just watch the movie expecting a condensed version of the manga. As I said before, X is a masterpiece of Gothic entertainment and should be treated as such. If you are interested in the manga or just want to see a great flick, I would say that X is your best bet.
Final Fantasy IX
Written by Lain The Typhoon
Lain The Typhoon: *****
All right, this game lives up to the Final Fantasy series and in my opinion is better than Final Fantasy VII and VIII. You play Zidane, a thief from Lindbaum. You have been sent to Alexandria to kidnap the princess Garnet, but when things get swung around and Garnet wants to leave the castle, the adventure begins. Along the way you meet up with other characters with very unique abilities, such as Vivi, who uses black magic. He does look like a kid, but his past is shrouded in mystery, and as the game rolls along you learn more about him. Then you have Steiner, who is the leader of the Knights Of Pluto, who joins the group to defend Princess Garnet. Also there are other characters who join later, like Quina, who has a hungry appetite and kind of likes Gau (From Final Fantasy III), but Quina eats his/her opponents to gain magic from them which makes it more interesting. The battle system goes back to Final Fantasy VII, but it adds newer abilities for each character, which also includes a magic sword ability when Vivi is in your party. The more powerful you become, the more damage you can do, and later in the game Garnet (Known as Dagger) can use summon magic, and some of the summons are AWESOME. The graphics for this Playstation game are top notch. Everyone in this game has a certain past that they try to remember, or some who try to forget, but soon they find the truth and rise above it. There are abilities where you equip new armor, weapons and many other things where after getting AP you can learn these spells, kind of like FFVII, but this time once you learn the things you don't need the item to use them! How cool is that?
This is the last Final Fantasy game for the Playstation before Square moves along to the PS2, which will be Final Fantasy X, and then the "online game" Final Fantasy XI later on. Probably expect these games maybe in mid to late 2001-2002.
Bottom Line, this game has many good things including some stuff you can grab from auctions, and Mini-games where you can trade for a good amount of money. So if you don't have this game... WAKE UP AND GET THIS ONE!!! The battle system has much to offer and the storyline and CG are very good and solid.
Side Note to People who own Final Fantasy IX: I am doing a little poll here, but during Disc 2, when you first enter the Ifia Tree after you face that Soulbox boss at the bottom of the tree (or whatever that thing is called) after the group escapes, has anyone experienced a freeze up while the CG for that part loads up? I noticed this and had to buy a new Playstation to finish the area. If anyone has, email me at napalm@midmaine.com and let me know, ‘cause I am wondering if this is just a CD glitch or something more serious. Thanks.
BATTLE SQUARE NEO
Fujikuro: *hovering over the battle field aboard his dipidon* Today’s match is a three way battle between EVA-02, piloted by Web Mistress Asuka, Gundam Deathscythe, being operated by Duo Maxwell, and Sephiroth in that mecha from Project A-Ko 2: Plot of the Daitokuji Financial Group, Queen Margarita!!!
Asuka: *from inside EVA-02* Ha! I will destroy you all! My EVA unit was the first EVA made for combat, and I’ll wipe you all out!
Duo: *from inside Gundam Deathscythe, which’s smaller than EVA-02* He runs, he fights, he never lies... Duo Maxwell! The God of Death will take you all out on this one!
(on the battlefield)
Sephy: I won’t be defeated that easily.
Fujikuro: It looks like Sephiroth forgot his mecha! What will become of our poor hero?
Sephy: *taking out a phone* Hello? Catherine? Elizabeth? Diana? COME HERE!!!
Skuld: *inside Catherine* I, the Chief of Development, am responding to your call.
Gatomon: *inside Elizabeth* The Chief of Commerce is also on the scene.
Locke: *inside Diana* Sephiroth, I am ready to give my life for you!!!
Sephy: Ready...
Locke, Gatomon, Skuld, and Sephy: FORM QUEEN MARGARITA!!! *the three mechas combine into a really, really large mecha. Sephy is beamed aboard*
Sephy: *from inside Queen Margarita* *now in a disco suit* Now we’ll see who’s the better mecha!
Duo: *from inside Deathscythe* What the..?
Asuka: *from inside EVA-02* *blinks* I’ll still kick your a--!
Sephy: *from inside Queen Margarita* *narrows eyes* Let’s begin! *a game start screen shows up on the view screen*
Skuld: Inserting quarter... now!!! *inserts quarter* Queen Margarita’s weapon system is now online!
Locke: We’ve improved upon the original design by adding magitek attacks which are dual powered by both magicite and materia.
(on the battlefield)
EVA-02: *takes out a prog knife and charges at Deathscythe*
Fujikuro: The Progression knife is standard weaponry for EVA units. EVA-02 has the improved version which allows a second blade to flick up if the first one is broken.
Deathscythe: *dodges the blow and swings its thermal scythe up in an arc, damaging EVA-02*
EVA-02: *Asuka screams obscenities from inside*
Queen Margarita: *Sephy over the intercom* EVA units are somehow magically hooked up to the pilot so they feel the pain their mech feels. Gundams only make their pilot forget their past and turn them into homicidal machines of death. Now, taste of the awesome power of Bolt beam!!! *fires a lightning energy beam from shoulder canons at the two smaller mecha units*
Fujikuro: *watches Deathscythe and EVA-02 get hit by bolt beam* The EVA units have nothing to do with magic, the pilot is hooked up to the mecha by a cord and special fluid. However, the EVA units also have a human soul in them, making them glorified suits of magitek armor.
Deathscythe: *Duo pops out of his mech to yell to Asuka* Hey!!! What’re we doing fighting each other while this guy’s blowing us away?!
Quatre: *in Gundam Sandrock* We don’t have to be enemies!!! Can’t we talk this out?!
???: *a loud high-pitched word echoes through the valley* Jigglypuff!!!
Sandrock, EVA-02, Deathscythe, and Queen Margarita: What the Hell?!
Jigglymech-01: *a Gundam sized jigglypuff mecha walks into the valley* *Purin over an intercom* Hahahaha!!! I’ll show you just WHO’S the best mecha!!!
Queen Margarita: *crushes Jigglymech-01 in its hand, grabs Sandrock, and tosses both of them into outer space*
Jigglymech-01 and Sandrock: Looks like team Jiggly and Quatre’s blasting off again!!! *star pings somewhere around Jupiter*
Queen Margarita: *Skuld* Ha! Taste of my true power!!! GigaAkagiyama Missiles!!! *QM’s chest compartment opens up to reveal several very large missiles and proceeds to blast the Hell out of everything in its path. At the end of the carnage, Deathscythe is lying on the ground in critical condition. EVA-02 is no where to be seen*
Deathscythe: *Duo climbing out of it* What can be more humiliating than this?!
Queen Margarita: *Gatomon* Hentai Bomb!!! *fires a bomb that rolls over to Deathscythe and blows up, burying the Gundam in bras and panties* *Skuld* Give me the controls..! *Gatomon* No!!! *Skuld* Hey!!! *hits Gatomon with mallet* You pervert!!! Ah!!! Pepsi-can-fire!!! *fires a single Pepsi can that blows up Gundam Deathscythe* *Locke* ...Jump attack... That’s where Asuka went! Watch out!!!
EVA-02: *jumping down on Queen Margarita with the prog knife aimed for the visor, but is blocked and flung away at the last moment by Queen Margarita*
Queen Margarita: *Sephy* We still need a decent web mistress, so I’ll have to solve this another way! *Skuld, Gatomon, and Locke* DON’T YOU DARE!!! *Sephy bursts out of the top of Queen Margarita in B-Ko’s battle armor*
Asuka: *from inside EVA-02* What the... is Sephy...
(in the stands)
Amelia: Gee, Mr. Gourry, Mr. Sephiroth’s just like you.
Gourry: I’m not a cross-dresser!!! *sits in his black bubble of despair*
Asuka: *from inside EVA-02* Forget this! *sees a weird octagonal flesh thing [an angel] roll towards to NeoTokyo-3* I have more important things to take care of! *pursues the angel*
(above the battlefield)
Sephy: Hey, hey, hey!!! You can’t turn your back on your enemy!!! Well... maybe you did... but... COME BACK HERE!!! *chases off after her*
Fujikuro: *on his dipidon* Queen Margarita is the victor and champion!!!
Cyber vs. Cyber Kitty Conclusion
Raichu: Rai, raichu rai. (If you are wondering who won...) Raichu!!! (we’re releasing the final battle between Cyber and Cyber Kitty) *pops the tape into the VCR*
Cyber: *turns into an attractive girl without any clothes on*
Cyber Kitty: *big eyes* WHAT?!
Cyber (now Victory): What’re you staring at?!
CK: *tosses one of Sephy’s trench coats over Victory* But... weren’t you just a guy cat a second ago?!
Victory: What’s your point?
CK: ...that isn’t right...
*later... at a sushi bar*
CK: So, when you use your ‘genocide’ attack, you turn back into a girl?
Victory: Yep. *puts a piece of sushi in her mouth*
CK: Oh... I... see... *looks at a clock that says 12:45* Ah! I’m late for work!!!
Gatomon: *walks in* Oh, what’s this? A beautiful girl being entertained by Cyber Kitty, that mere reject from Sailor Moon?!
CK: ...damn it.
Gatomon: *jumps at Victory* Ah, what a sweet smile!
Victory: PERVERT! *grabs him and throws him out into the street, where he is run over by several chocobo*
Raichu: *taking the tape out* Rai. (That’s it!) Raichu. (Go home) Rai, raichu. (I hate you all!!!) Rai, rai *sniff*, chu... (You have no idea what it’s like to be an evolved *sniff* form of an ugly yellow rat) Rai. (f--- off!!!)
Cyber Kitty: CENSORSHIP!!! GRAW!!! *Cyber Beams Raichu* I apologize for any inconvenience and this will never happen again. If it really matters to anyone, Cyber/Victory is from a manga called Bad Weather.
Japanese School Life
by Sephiroth
Yeah, we’re all (assumingly) in school and are patiently awaiting winter break, right? Do you ever wonder what those Japanese children are up to (aside from saving the world and piloting huge mecha)? Today, you’ll learn about Japanese school life.
Upon arrival at school (which begins in Spring and not Fall), you’ll notice a huge gate (a tradition from a long time ago). If you’re late for school, you’ll be reprimanded for being late by a teacher at the gate.
After the teacher yells at you for being late, you enter the genkan (a place where people store their shoes in buildings) with a locker to put your shoes in. You may also find a love note from a secret admirer, just like inferior American school students do with their school lockers.
Once the school day starts, all students report to their homerooms. These homerooms are where students stay and teachers rotate in to teach different subjects. Each room has a student president that arranges chores, such as cleaning the homeroom, and also the halls and other areas of the school. Because of this, there are few janitors, and it is taught as part of the education process. Students remain in these homerooms, unless they are enrolled in physical education, art, or music.
Anyone who has watched any amount of animé would recognize the Japanese school uniforms on sight. The boys have a uniform of dark material with a tight collar, modeled after German military cadets of the 19th century. The girls, on the other hand, have an outfit that is a cross between a sailor’s uniform and a skirt, which gives it the name ‘sailor suit’. These uniforms are cost efficient (being mass produced) and made out of durable material that lasts for a long time. Japanese schoolgirls have special PE uniforms consisting of a t-shirt and ‘buruma’. Buruma is the Japanese way of saying bloomers, what young American and English ladies wore during PE around the beginning of the 20th century.
Closing: At Shampoo’s Ramen Shop
Sephy: Ah... when subscribers submit things, my job is sooo much easier to do... *eats some ramen*
Shampoo: What Seanma talking about? He no edit anything!
Cyber Kitty: The point to be made is this- I edit the stuff, you just regulate the articles.
Sephy: Exactly. *looks shyly at Shampoo*
Gatomon: I can’t believe you, dressing up like that!!! To think that people call ME a pervert...
Skuld: Ahhh!!! PERVERT!!! *smashes Gatomon with her mallet and then starts to search through Gatomon’s looting sack*
Cyber Kitty: Um...
Sephy: Lose something? *once again shyly looks at Shampoo*
Skuld: That pervert stole my bra...
Cyber Kitty: Ah... there are a lot of HENs in TAI-land...
Purin: Of course, Tai-land is an agricultural state...
Skuld: WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! *smashes Cyber Kitty and Purin with her mallet*
Sephy: *while everyone else is distracted* *grabs Shampoo’s hand* Listen, Shampoo... there’s something I want to tell you... I love... *blushes very deeply* your ramen... *walks out*
Shampoo: *oblivious to Skuld, Purin, and Cyber Kitty fighting in the background while Gatomon is passed out with his face buried in a pile of rice* Hiya...
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