Season 2, Issue 7
Animé News Letter
Season 2, Issue 7
Editor/Reviews/Battle Square: Sephiroth/Seanma
Coffee Wench/Rumiko Takahashi Correspondent: Ukyo Kounji
Lowly Reporter: Purin/Bryoga/Eevee
Article Writer/Asst. Editor: Gatomon
Engineer/Limited Goddess, 2nd class: Skuld
Secret Police: Cyber Kitty/=^o^=
Webmaster/Bounty Hunter: Fuji/Zell
Sent to: Erika Lt./Lum/Ifurita, Jake, Mr. Saotoby, Happodan/Dr. Tofu, "The Secretary",
Ami-chan, Melancholy, Ranma, Nighteyes, Aly/Mimi/Raisin, Kaitou Ace, Tasuki,
Lucifer Morningstar, Neo, Am0s M0ses, Makato/Oddichu, Napalm, Mikon/Moko-ohki,
Ferio, and Hojo
Subscribers in: Maine 8, California 2, Texas 3, Georgia 2, Colorado 1, NY 1,
Florida 1, Missouri 1, Virginia 1
If you know anyone who wants this, contact us at Sephiroth_Gatomon@yahoo.com
Warning: In the spirit of all that is animé, some of these scenes may be seen as lewd and/or violent. We also have a pervert on staff to fill in as an animé archetype. Viewer discretion is advised.
Dear reader,
After reading your comments and suggestions, several changes have taken place.
First of all, Belldandy is dead. You will learn that story later.
Also, in request of having a saiyan on the crew, we have given Purin AND Skuld the ability to go Super Saiyan.
The Blue Magic section has been destroyed.
Cyber Kitty will now be a major character, not to be misused by evil, evil men named after fiery explosives.
To reemphasize a point, NO SAOTOBY DOJO!!!!!!!!!!!! Period. We don’t need another fighting arena.
With that out of the way, we’d like to get on with the festivities of our seventh issue!!!
-Sephiroth
Movie Review: Iria: Zeiram the Animation
Written by Sephiroth
Sephy: **** Fujikuro: ***** Skuld: **** CK: ***
CYBER KITTY NO BAKA!!! *thwack* This was a very good movie, despite what Cyber Kitty says.
Bounty Hunters are well known for taking extreme missions, so it’s a normal day in the lives Bob, Gren, and his assistant/sister, Iria, when the take the mission on the space station Karma.
All seems to be fine... besides the Karma being littered with corpses.
Soon, our three heroes find out that the Karma was holding an evil creature named Zeiram and he broke loose and killed most of the crew.
A nasty fight breaks out between this monster and the three dauntless bounty hunters. In the end, they nuke the Karma and only Iria and Bob escape.
Iria happens to crash land on a small planet and guess what... Zeiram’s there too!!!
A great sci-fi flick with aliens, big (=^o^=) weapons, and mushroom shaped buildings.
Series Review: Escaflowne
Written by Sephiroth and Purin
Sephy: *** Purin: *** Ukyo: ****
The first reaction the staff had was “What the Hell?!”
After we got past that, we realized that this samurai kind of guy was killing an ugly dragon and stealing its heart- no, literally, he tore it right out of the dragon.
Then he entered this weird portal and took a female athlete with him.
This took us back to our first reaction: “What the Hell?!”
Then, they explained it and we were happier (but not really since the new episodes of digimon are horrible [and on right before Escaflowne] and has *shudder* B-A-D skater music).
After calming down, we realized that there was a cat girl stealing from the athlete (Purin & Sephy: Aww... Kawaii cat girl!!!).
Soon after, these invisible mobile suits (which, to our dismay, were not Gundams) started attacking this beautiful medieval or Japanese city (we can’t figure out which).
Fortunately, this mythical kingdom had its own mobile suits.
The samurai-dragon-heart-snatching guy (who’s the king) had this really cool armor suit that he put that dragon heart crystal thing in to activate it.
This suit, the Escaflowne, is the best thing since the Gundam Zero-One, and ripped apart a few of these invisible mecha-trash, but, he couldn’t save his kingdom and it was burned down.
Fortunately, the Cat Girl survived (yeah!!!), oh, and that prince (in Escaflowne) and the athletic chick managed to survive as well.
It’s definitely going to turn out to be the most decent animé FOX can offer, and it can only get better (despite the fact that FOX is going to hack it to bits, which brings us back to our first reaction: “What the Hell?!”).
BATTLE SQUARE NEO
Sephy: *is standing on a platform situated at the end of a nice sized black and silver colored Roman Colosseum* Welcome to the new and improved Battle Square!!!
We now have another special offer, in tribute to (or mockery of) Pokémon Gym Leaders Expansion for the CCG, we are offering a Battle Square trainer card to anyone who suggests a fight that we publish!!! Please, no rallying for the Saotoby Dojo.
In our first fight, we are pitting the Sailor Scouts against a decent rival for once, the invincible monster Zeiram!!!
Venus: I don’t like this...
Artemis: *wearing an outfit like a kitty pimp while smoking a cigarette* S’okay, this’ll be an easy fight, and if he damages you, he’ll be owing me $2.50...
Sephy: Neither Battle Square Neo nor the ANL supports pimps and/or cigarettes. Read the Surgeon General’s warning for your own sake. Cigarettes are BAD. Don’t smoke. This has been a paid advertisement. *starts counting money*
Zeiram: Graw!!! *picks up Moon, MiniMoon, and Tuxedo Mask and chucks them into outer space*
Moon, MiniMoon, Tuxedo Mask: Looks like Team Moonie’s blasting off again!!! *star ping*
Purin: Hey!!! They’re stealing my bit!!!
Sephy: That’s okay, off you go!!! *uppercuts Purin to the higher strata*
Purin: Team Jiggly’s blasting off again!!! *star ping*
Zeiram: *Venus, Jupiter, Mars, and Mercury jump in the direction of the corners around Zeiram* Ah... this would be the Iga-naburai technique: The Four Corner’s Seal...
Sephy: *blinks* He can talk?!
Mercury: *in North* Ret-suun!!! *does fancy hand motion*
Jupiter: *in East* Hyaaa-ta!!! *does fancy hand motion*
Mars: *in South* Heet-kun!!! *does fancy hand motion*
Venus: *in West* Hurrrr-ra!!! *does fancy hand motion*
Inner Senshi: Ha!!! *shoots the attacks from all directions at Zeiram*
Zeiram: *is still standing* Now, I will finish you off...
Sephy: Well, I didn’t expect him to survive that... not that it really worked in Wrath of the Ninja, but...
Uranus: World Shaking!!! *uses an earth-elemental attack*
Neptune: Deep Submerge!!! *uses a water-elemental attack*
Zeiram: *breaks the attacks* Now, since you’ve all seemed to have a turn, I am making my move... Zeiram Attack: Mushroom Cloud Storm!!! *several mushrooms appear in the sky*
Cyber Kitty: This would have to be a Neo Square attack...
Skuld: *in between bites of popcorn* What?
Cyber Kitty: When we fixed up the Battle Square, we included a special magical spell that allowed fighters access to techniques, weapons, and mechas from other series, as long as they’re smart enough to figure them out.
It also allows them to develop their own techniques if they don’t have any, such as Zeiram.
Skuld: Oh, so it makes things interesting, huh?
Zeiram: *shoots mushrooms at the scouts, pounding them*
Venus: Venus Meteor Shower!!! *destroys the mushrooms*
Mercury: *hitting keys on her laptop* His weakness is the little face on his hat!!!
Jupiter: Thanks, Sparkling White Pressure!!! *shoots at the face*
Zeiram: *breaks the attack* Ha, ha, ha... *grabs Mercury* Now you die... *brings out a spear from his waist*
Sephy: My honor as a knight or SOLDIER or whatever the Hell I am would be tarnished if I allowed you to harm Sailor Mercury... *brings out Masamune and lunges at Zeiram*
Zeiram: W-wait, you can’t interrupt battles!!! *drops Mercury*
Cyber Kitty: Oh... here goes the plot...
Sephy: Final Fantasy Tactics All Sword Technique: ICE WOLF STAB!!! *sends a magical blue spike through Zeiram, and it breaks his beads* Hmph, and that attack, besides being devastating, breaks the opponent’s relic.
Zeiram: GRAAAWWWW... *turns into a mushroom hat, a little diamond seed pops out, breaks, and an evil spirit appears and dissipates*
Sephy: *puts sword back* Are you okay, Sailor Mercury?
Ukyo: *eyes flare up* And what does he think he is doing?!
Skuld: Jealous?
Ukyo: Seanma is MY fiancée, and don’t you forget it!!!
Mercury: Yes... I think... *drops the 2000 AAN award for best subscriber’s article* Whoops...
Sephy: What the... *takes out a picture of Ami-chan* Hmm... *looks at Mercury, then the picture of Ami-chan, and back to Sailor Mercury*
Ah ha!!! You must be Ami-chan’s twin sister and you’re holding onto her award!!!
Skuld: Stupid!!! She IS Ami-chan!!!
Sephy: *mutters* Aw... she’s just a kid...
Skuld: *throws a ball at Sephy’s head* I am not a kid!!! *sticks out tongue*
Cyber Kitty: A-hem, I am issuing a challenge to the cat Artemis and the cabbit Ryo-ohki to a mecha battle in the next Battle Square Neo!!!
Artemis: I accept!!! *takes a final puff of his vile, evil cig and snuffs it out*
Ryo-ohki: ~Meow!!! *eats a carrot*
Top Ten Ways to tell that you are Sephiroth
10. You have destroyed a city and burned it down to ashes.
9. You kill people with no remorse.
8. You are a snappy dresser.
7. You use a metaphysical force regarded as “magic.”
6. You have had clones at one time in your life.
5. You have/desire most in life to have long, white hair.
4. You just can’t sing...
3. Dark colors seem to follow you around.
2. Even darker music follows you around.
Top 1 way: You have made multiple recipes on how to cook your opponent after you defeat them.
If you find yourself fitting at least nine of these, you may be Sephiroth.
*Zeiram, MewTwo, Malachite, and... Jigglypuff are all dressed like Sephiroth, complete with Masamune*
Sephy: Posers!!! All of you, posers!!! *walks out in a puff*
Closing: Cyber Kitty’s home in suburban Tokyo
Sephy: *has drawn a HUGE chart that attempts to explain how Ami-chan has a twin sister* ...and so, that was her twin!!!
Skuld: Give it up!!! *smashes Sephy with her croquet mallet*
Ukyo: ...and what were you doing anyway!!! *smashes Sephy with her spatula*
Cyber Kitty: Bwa, ha, ha... I shall destroy those two inferior felines...
Gatomon: *is reading a manga* Hee, hee... check it out guys!!! This character is sooo clumsy!!! I can’t think of anyone THAT clumsy!!!
Purin: *crashes through roof* Puuuufffff....
Sephy: Just to clear things up, we said ecchi (meaning pervert), it’s actually spelled etchi... Oh, and that offer for ‘Ami-chan’s Pichu,’ that’s for an alternative ending to the Animé Awards Night (not the ANL) after Ami-chan’s speech. I wonder why she had her twin hold on to it?
Purin: Huh? *looks concerned for Sephy*
Skuld: You don’t want to know...
Sephy: As regards to the Battle Square Superstar story, we’ll tell you when it’s done...
Skuld: It explains my sister’s demise, Almighty rest her soul...
Purin: ...and also why I am wearing a fuzzy brown belt... *feels slightly stylish*
Narrator: All this and more in the next episode of Pokémon!!!
Sephy: Who said that? *the ANL staff starts looking around and ripping apart the room for the source of the mysterious voice*
Endorsements:
http://www.anipike.com
The Animé Turnpike, The #1 source on every Animé
http://www.pythonline.com
Monty Python On-line
The Right Stuf Catalog
A great catalog to find animé in (to order a catalog, pay $3 by calling 1-800-338-6827)
on the web at http://www.rightstuf.com
http://www.tuxedomask.com
A really cool Sailor Moon site
http://www.geocities.com/animenewsletter
ANL home page
http://kawaiianimegirl.tripod.com/smeared.html
Ami-chan’s excellent page
Disclaimer:
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We apologize if anyone is deeply offended by our views, and if you are easily offended by stuff like this,
we would suggest unsubscribing and/or moving to Pluto.
If you'd like to contribute anything, unsubscribe (but... why?), or have a friend who wants this, contact us at sephiroth_gatomon@yahoo.com
